I promised myself I would write you a full feedback on this one-year extraordinary adventure in NZ so here we are. Even before starting this year abroad, I was always on the move. Since I left "my north", I've spent 6 years in Paris, 2 in Lyon, 3 months in Europe, 2 months as an au pair girl in Spain and 10 months in New Zealand... I've done 5 years of studies including 2 different trainings, 3 years of permanent work, 1 year and a half as a freelancer, a series of small jobs and voluntary work and I have friends now spread over 3 continents and 7 different countries... To hear you, that should be enough for me. And yet..." Aren't you going to leave already ? Aren't you happy here? Don't you want to stay for a little while? ", " if only you knew... " But here's the thing. The conversation often ends there. "It would take too long for me to explain it all to you. And then you wouldn't understand..." For a long time I shared this opinion, until one day I came across the comment of a mother who was saying :
" my daughter's travels took her away from me. »
I then promised myself that the day I would have answers to her questions, I would take the time to write them down and to share them, so that all the moms who read me, (but also dads, grandparents, brothers, sisters, friends...) will maybe understand us, the insatiable travelers or expatriates in search of another life... 10 months later, I kept my promise and picture you, as best as I can and through my story, the portrait of a generation that has found happiness at the antipodes of yours...
TO LEAVE
It starts with a "I'm thinking of going on a trip for a few weeks" and then it ends with a year in New Zealand. I had been told : "It's easy to run away, but when you will come back, your problems won't have disappeared." But what really made me leave ? For a little more than a year I noted, observed, analysed my desires, my ideas and those of all the people I met on the roads to try to understand them. And since I came back, I have only one idea in mind : to try to explain you why living so far away made me so happy.
Why does my generation only dream of travel?
Personally, my journey started when I felt like I grew up between two worlds : the one imagined for us by our parents, a generation carried along by revolutions, progress and globalization, and the one of a world in debt, human, ecological, social... for a planet on which we still have to live on. So when I had to grow up and make my own place, I felt torn between wanting to please my parents and be the girl with the life they had imagined for her, or wanting to go out into the world to discover the girl I felt I could become. I could have continued this "perfect" journey that I had been following since childhood, but on the morning of my 25th birthday, I woke up with fear, afraid that my life, mine, the one for which I would have chosen all the components and values, would pass right under my nose. And that was it. That was the beginning of what I called my 25-year crisis.
My 25-year crisis.
Twenty-five years. not 20. not 30. I felt like I was trapped in a society I hadn't chosen. Stuck in the in-between. An in-between age, an in-between world. And finally, in retrospect, an in-between me. The more I became aware of the reality that surrounded me, the more I began to sail against the current. All the beauty of the world that had been trying to offer me since my birth began to meet all the horror of another world that I was just beginning to understand. I wanted to act, to feel useful, to change things, but I was stuck in boxes that life, society and the system had drawn for me. So I began the battle, against all odds, questioning the values and ideas they tried to instil in me, facing the atrocities of this world that many others prefer to ignore. But, despite my efforts, I could not get out of this life boxes that had been built for me. I was afraid to face others' opinion on me, the ones of my loved ones, of my family. "Oh no, you're not going to quit your job to leave. You're lucky, you've got a boyfriend, you've got a flat, you've got a great job. There's a lot of people out there who would dream of having the life you have..." Yeah, but here is the thing. That is the life I don't secretly dreamed of anymore. So I wandered into my life for a few months, not knowing how to get out of it, until the universe came to help.
The right moment.
I dreamed of going for a trip because I had the impression that this travel would give me the only valid excuse valuable for my friends and family to finally leave everything. But you still need to be brave to do it. I hid behind excuses for several months until life took them away from me. No more job, no more boyfriend, no more apartment, I didn't have much to say when people were telling me, "what's keeping you from traveling if you've always dreamed of it?" That's right. What was holding me back? It was finally the right time to leave, to leave everything, without anyone telling me: "but you're not going to do that now?! ». So, a year and a half later, and to calm this inside storm that had started the morning of my 25th birthday, I left.
My first travel.
I went first for a week in Barcelona, alone, then 10 days in Ireland, 7 days in the Netherlands before coming back to Spain for 2 and a half months. I discovered backpacking and solo travel. I met some great people and met some great jerks as well. I observed others being to better understand who I was. Each new city was an opportunity for me to choose who I wanted to be through the eyes of the others. And without even noticing it, I began the best therapy of my life.
My travel therapy
When Cachou offered me to go to New Zealand with her, I hesitated. It's stupid, but it was her trip. She'd been preparing it for months, and why would I steal this from her and fly with her to the opposite side of the world ?! But, why not. And that's what I did.
I then promised myself that if I was leaving, it would be to come back as a better version of myself. Despite my travel experience in Europe, I had the feeling that this NZ trip would bring me way more than what I could even imagine. But I was far from imagining how right I was. Today I am happy to say it :
Traveling saved me.
I healed myself from this 25-year crisis by confronting other worlds, other people, other ways of thinking and living. I was no longer stuck in the life that society had imagined for me, I could be who I wanted to be when I wanted to be. I no longer had anyone to judge me except myself. If I woke up one morning with the urge to be adventurous, I could be adventurous. If I wanted to be a party girl one night, I could. I had all the cards into my hand. And I was the only one calling the shots. I played the traveller, the city girl, the ultra-sociable girl, the discreet one, the nomad, the peasant, the vegetarian or the eco-friendly one. I experimented with professions, lifestyles. I met people at the antipodes of each other. I made a whole life choice with almost no social constraints, and that's what saved me.
I have left my landmarks to open my eyes to the world and to others.
I have faced the daily grind of life with only myself to refer to...
I was my own enemy, I became my own best ally.
I spent time with the others and met myself on the way.
I only lived in the moment, had almost nothing but discovered happiness in the smallest little things...
I was lost in my choices, I discovered who I really was.
I have transformed the ordinary of my daily life into a source of singular happiness.
So no, to be happy, we don't all have to find a good job, which pays well, and which we will do all our lives. No, to be happy, we don't have to own a house with a garden or a Parisian apartment. No, to be happy, we don't have to start a family right away after our studies. We don't even need have to build a family.
Yes, we can be happy by changing jobs every three months. Yes, we can be happy by becoming a baker when we've studied law. Yes, we can be happy changing countries every month. Yes we can be happy. Yes we want to be happy.
So sorry but yes, I almost felt happier in 1 year than I have in the last 27 years. Not because I was far away from you, oh no... but because I simply took back control of my life. And even though we can sometimes find our happiness at the opposite end of the spectrum from yours, that doesn't stop us from being sad too. From hating those tens, hundreds, thousands of miles between you and us. To hate the fact that we can't come home one night to have dinner with you before we gently go back to our lives. To know that you're at a family dinner, all together, and we're not there. You know, we cry sometimes too when we know that the situation we chose for our lives is not the one you would have chosen for your lives. And it's not every day easy to wake up thinking that our travel happiness is sometimes responsible for your daily sadness.
But here is the thing. Travelling, living abroad, is enriching yourself day after day with people, thoughts, ways of life, cultures different from the ones you have always known. And believe me, even if it would break my heart as much as I may have done when I left, if one day I have children, I will put them on a plane and push them to go somewhere else. And I'd tell them, "Go, live and come back".
Go, Live and come back.
It's been more than a year now since I flew to "kiwi land" and a little more than a month since I returned to France to live with my parents. We always say it is very hard to leave, but I can assure you that it is even harder to come back. Since I've been back, you've all asked me at least once, "Well, what are you going to do now ? "with a deep desire to hear me saying "I'm going to get a job, find a place to live, move to the city, find a new guy and make my own little life close by you". But at first, I just wanted to answer you: "I don't know, if it was up to me I'd get on a plane tomorrow". Because my life, for the moment, I can't project it here, whereas abroad, I have thousands of ideas.
One year on the other side of the world, one year of travel, it is short and long at the same time. Enough to start something, but not to go deep enough. And I came back in France with this strange feeling. With many answers to my questions, but also with many doubts. I was analyzing and exploring every little piece of my life over there, and I felt something stopped me as soon as I got back to France. You could say to me "yes, but you could keep this way of life and try something here, with all the values you hold now". Yes it's true, and for some people it is possible. But for me, it sounds like France has too much power on me to let me just be.
I've been preparing myself for this return as best as I could for weeks and weeks, but once my feelings got stuck in the way, I knew it was gonna be a little more complicated than I thought.
I've evolved and grown so much in 12 months that I had to take it upon myself, in the first few days, not to destabilize you from being so determined in some of my ideas. Because the Coralie you left at the airport a year ago and the one you picked up on August 8th are no longer the same. And finally, if you were just waiting for me with open arms, I was very afraid of going against the image you had of me old from a year ago. Going home was therefore quite difficult at first. Torn between the happiness of finding you again and the sadness of what and who I had left behind.
Finally, the most disconcerting thing when you come back after a year is the feeling of being a stranger in your own country. Everything seems far away, distant, floating. It's very hard to get back on your feet, especially when there's no life waiting for you. No job, no flat, friends a little scattered all over France or Europe... So when you all more or less said to me : " Oh my dear, you must be happy to be back home !! " I would have liked to answer you : " Well yeah but in fact, is my home really still there ? »
HOME SWEET HOME ?
"Home is where the heart is" . This is the kind of the feeling I had when I came back to France. The feeling of being back home without really feeling at home.
I've learned a lot about myself in a year and while I still don't know exactly what kind of life I want to have, I know exactly what kind of life I don't want to have anymore. I want to get up in the morning with a feeling of lightness, as if every day is a new opportunity. I want to wake up in the morning with someone who inspires me every day, supports me in my projects and makes me better every day. I feel like waking up in the morning in a country other than my own, to go outside and be ecstatic about a little something. I want to get up in the morning and do the job I love, even if it means being far away.
Well, yes, I'll be sad if it means making compromises, I'll be sad if it means having to choose, but for the next few months, my home doesn't belong here so here I have to go again.
WHAT’S NEXT ?
In the next few months, I'm simply planning to get back on the road for other adventures. I don't know exactly when, how and for how long, but I know I'll be happier there, somewhere on this planet. For the anecdote, it was to avoid this kind of situation that I made 2 promises to myself before leaving:
The first, to go back to France or Europe after New Zealand to not impose any hard distance to handle for my family
The second, not to fall in love during this trip, to not make it harder for me
But sometimes life takes you exactly where you don't want to go. Or rather, where deep down inside of you, you wanted to go. If distance hasn't always been easy, one thing I've learned this year is that there's an age when you have to stop making your life dependent on others and start making it for yourself. Some parents have told me that this is selfish. But is keeping your children for yourself when it makes them unhappy not a selfish one ?
Today I'm happy that I failed in this game of promises. I have found a way to live a life that I like, that makes me happy day after day, and I think that this is the greatest gift this trip has given me. I will surely continue to wonder every day whether my happiness makes my parents, my family, my friends happy, or whether distance will always win the battle. But it doesn't matter. I've discovered personal and professional projects that inspire me to try new adventures, with Canada in my mind now.
And as for love, I could write three pages about it, but out of modesty and selfishness, I will only say a few words about it. As most of you know, I left France first with my heart broken. I come back today with my heart healed by this experience and my heart filled with an extraordinary person. I have the chance to be accompanied and supported on my daily projects but also on common projects that we are now starting together. It was not part of our plans, but sometimes love is an evidence and he is an evidence. So don't be surprised to see his face (or his butt) in here again in the coming months... I don't yet know exactly what form all these projects will take, but I have lots of hope, and this is the most important thing I remind myself in the morning.
So I address this message and this personal assessment to all the mothers, (dads, grandparents, brothers, sisters, friends, ...) who remain convinced that their daughter's travel (or son's, brother's, sister's, friend's one) has taken her away from them. We do not travel to cut ourselves off from you, but to take care of us. And no, you have not lost your daughter because she is travelling or living abroad, if you open your eyes, you will see that you have actually just met her...
Lots of Love.
Co.
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