I both love and hate this moment when I'm back in my child's room, writing you my feedbacks about my last journey, before flying to another one. I often want to run away when I'm stuck here, facing my desire to leave again, my sadness of this end of a travel and your exclamations or desolations to know that I am already packing my bag for the future...
If I am a big fan of endings when they are material, (you should see my enthusiasm when I finish my shampoo or toothpaste and I can finally move on to the new one that has already been waiting for 2 weeks) when it comes to my travels, my relationships or even just an evening out, I experience completely opposite emotions. It's silly, but I've always had trouble being the first to leave for fear of missing something important, I've always had trouble ending a story, for fear of doing it too soon and missing an opportunity to save it, and I always have trouble ending a trip because I'm always a little afraid of the future....
You often tell me you, Coralie the adventurer, to be afraid? Well, yes, even if I'm used to leaving, believe me, that doesn't stop me from being afraid sometimes. In fact, without fear, I wouldn't go very far.
It has now been a little over a week since I officially left Norway. A return less difficult than my New Zealand one, therefore, probably due to the fact that I have real projects waiting for me... These viking months will have been filled with fears and anxieties, certainly triggered in me by the loss of my father, but not only. If it sometimes gave me the feeling of being hands and feet tied, slowly sinking, I also finally found the strength to face parts of myself that were totally unknown to me. I faced life being almost inhabited by death and I "survived".
So what did this experience with the Vikings bring me? What did this trip teach me about my nomadic life, about the loss of a loved one, about myself ? Why would I be back on the road again in two days ? The time has come to look back and take stock of what I've learned ! Do you need a ride ? Let's go.
Of course, everything I describe here is entirely personal. It is about my feelings, my experiences, linked to my personality, my culture, and to this specific travel context (which was very particular this year). That doesn't mean my truth is the right one. I would like to repeat it because everyone has their own experience of a country and I am sure that if you asked Ben the questions, he would have a completely different perspective and fortunately ! I am not trying here to convince you of anything, just to share my story as a traveller, to inspire you by offering you a glimpse through my own eyes. However, I am still the first to repeat that you must go and experience a country and a culture before judging them, because the best opinion you can have is your own. That being said, here is my feedback ;)
NORWAY
First of all, Norway. This country where the population is supposedly one of the happiest in the world.... A country called "green and ecological"... Norwegians with a reputation for being cold and discreet.... What about when you live there for a few months?
THE COUNTRY is beautiful and I think it is by far my favorite thing about Europe. Mountains, sea, fjords, rivers, forest,... there is something for everyone! Norwegians are not as numerous as the French and this has also made my well-being there. (Yes, in France, there are definitely too many people for me!)
THE WEATHER ? A little too rainy in Voss, perfect in the Lofoten, it makes all the landscapes really charming. Everything takes on more or less dramatic tones depending on the season. The scenery even transformed sometimes into the "Care Bears" world when the sun plays with it. If I hated the non-stop rains in Voss, they didn't bother me at all in Lofoten. Just a question of landscapes, I think. It is obviously colder than in northern France, but I really appreciated how the seasons are marked by very different and contrasting colours. (So with Canada coming in a few months, I think I can be reassured about that!)
MIDNIGHT SUN AND DARK WINTER : I didn't really see either one, but I experienced the effects of both. In Voss, we had darkness all night long but no dark nights during summer. In Lofoten, when I left, we already had only 5 hours left of sunshine a day, the sun starting to go down around 3pm. In summer, it's easy to hide from the light, whereas in winter, the body is really lost and at 5:30 pm I was ready to go to bed (without exaggerating). It's special and temporarily fine with me. In the long run, I think It would have been more difficult to handle it. It is therefore not a surprise the Lofoten Islands empty themselves of their inhabitants in winter...
NORWEGIANS ? This cliché of the cold Norwegian is quite false. They are actually very friendly if you take a step towards them. It is true that their culture, at least in Voss, makes them very homely people. They love going out for sports activities and that may be the only secret to meeting them. (some are very festive when the opportunity arises, but you are rarely invited to their home). Unlike France, Norwegian culture seems not to be very oriented towards "having friends over " or dining out (perhaps also because restaurants and alcohol are very expensive there). It obviously depends on the people and regions because in Lofoten, for example, everything was a little bit different. The population, isolated, lived more in community, and the inhabitants always seemed more cheerful at the idea of an evening out. At last, one more thing I wanted to share with you is my surprise of the norwegian culture itself, which seems to be based on belongings and appearance. At first, I thought they had pretty brands and drove pretty cars just because they had the money for them. But in the end, not really. For example, they are very inclined to have the latest brand new sports equipment and claim it a little against their will (compared to the Kiwis, who are also fans of outdoor activities, but who do not attach as much importance to the image they create). It is not something said out loud, but more something I observed. Outdoor People are really fancy there. Almost the same way urban people are fancy in cities.
NORWEGIAN STRUCTURE : everything takes time. You have to be patient because Norway is a country where disorganization is mixed with haste and waiting. I often got crazy there juste because informations are far from being easy to find, wether it is for an administrative issue, for a touristic information needed, or for a professional question.. In a way, the Norwegians are so relaxed, they won't worry about you passing in front of them four times when you're desperately looking for the boat's dock... In fact, I think it is this feeling of indifference to others (which is seen rather as a sign of respect for the Scandinavian countries, because they don't cross your bubble if you don't invite them to) that has made me uncomfortable in Norway, compared to the kiwis and their legendary kindness.
AT LAST ? ECOLOGY. I had talked about it when I arrived, I confirm my feelings about it. Everything here seems to be based on looking green while digging into their daily lives, we realize many aberrations. For example, vegetables imported and individually wrapped in plastic ; the "black gold" (petrol) on which all Norwegian wealth is based ; Norwegians who drive an electric car not because it is environmentally friendly but because it saves them money (and makes them richer in some way); plastic bags sold in large quantities at supermarket checkouts because few Norwegians come with their own bags and more recently waste water dumped directly into the sea in some Lofoten cities... Of course, no one is perfect and I am the first to advocate the "everyone does what they can at their level" when it comes to the environment. What bothers me a little more is that, basic solutions already exist and that they have not been implemented at all in this country... There are not many initiatives of short, organic, bulk or zero waste stores for example and underdeveloped second-hand stores. I even wondered if the Norwegians don't do it because they don't care or if something is blocking them... I don't have the answer, but compared to other countries, I was quite surprised.
Well, don't worry, if I did the same exercise to paint a somewhat cliché portrait of the French for you, they would hate me. I am not criticizing by saying that it is better elsewhere, I just slowly realize that the ideal country where I would like to one day settle down does not yet exist.
Verdict ? Norway, for the landscapes : I adopt. Lofoten : I adopt.
But, first, the culture is not oriented enough towards sociability and meeting for me, I think. Second, It was a little too difficult to live there while respecting my "ecological", "zero waste" and "second hand" values on a daily basis. Last but not least, I was missing this little something that was making my life so chill and peaceful in NZ. I think that so far, Kiwis remain my favourites although the Lofotens have also stolen a little part of my heart...
PERSONAL LEARNING
About myself, what did I learn from these 7 months in Norway and 10 months of mourning ?
First, I discovered that life surrounded by mountains with no escape to the sea or the ocean is hard for me, and that I am very sensitive to my environment. If I am in a place where I don't feel well, I have to be able to escape. No matter what the situation is. It's silly, but it has played an important role in recent months, so now I know what to do...
Then sociability. I can actually live in cities (average like Voss or smaller) or isolated in the middle of nature like in Lofoten, it doesn't matter if I have real friends to share my experience with. At Terri's, we lived in this big family on a daily basis. At Ben's, we were 4 flatmates. In the van, I had my friend Cachou. In Lofoten, I was in a traveling community. In Voss I suffered a lot from not having close friends to share my daily life with, more intimately. I had my colleagues but we couldn't enjoy too many days together because we rarely had off days with each other. It got better at the end, and I'm grateful for the time we took. But I can't hide that I felt really lonely for a long time. I lacked the time and patience to build relationships where in Lofoten, sports activities and community life have opened the doors of friendship with many people. In the end, I thought having Ben with me would be enough. But if there was one person who created my expatriation in NZ, it was my Cachou. She was my first adventure friend, my ear on a daily basis, my best friend on the spot, even when we didn't see each other much towards the end. She was my confidant for more than a year and I think that when we came back we took a break from our life together to try to build something new separately. But in the end, she made my balance. I now know that I have to learn to rebuild new relationships when I travel to recreate landmarks where I couldn't do in Voss. It is essential and Now I know.
Concerning activities, I think I need a place that offers me alternatives in case of bad weather and I need terrain activities. In New Zealand, when it rained, we always had the option of climbing indoors. In Norway, it was more complicated because in Voss, apart from the gym and the rivers, there was nothing. If it rained : mountain biking, hiking and climbing were not allowed. Although I always loved spending hours in the water as a child, I discovered in Norway how much I am more connected to the land than to the water (although I am "Aquarius"). There is something in the water that attracts me and frightens me (I'm the first one to want to go sea kayaking or canyoning and yet I'm afraid of surfing waves and rapids...) I've been thinking about it a lot lately and I'm slowly rediscovering the origin of all this. But in the meantime, I know that for the moment, I cannot live only on aquatic activities.
Professionally speaking, I have learned a lot in recent months. I loved my job in Voss for the contact with travellers, for discussions and adventure sharing. On the other hand, I hated tourism for its "over-consumption" aspect. I hated the long hours, work weekends, and lack of time for personal activities. I prefer to work and earn less but live better. I know that there is something that attracts me in the sharing of experience, the return to oneself, the true connection to nature through shared adventures. I became aware thanks to Furu, that projects can also come to life as a group, that being a traveller and close to thirty is not exceptional. Being an entrepreneur does not mean being stuck in a country. That founding a place that makes you feel at home, while escaping from time to time to travel, is possible. That creating an inspired and inspiring project for other travellers in search of meaning is not inconceivable... It's silly, but I needed to see it and experience it to understand it. Now I know.
I understood that to get off to a good start in a new country, I need to be able to start "without ties" with complete freedom of movement. Without a job that keeps me from leaving if I'm not fine. Without an apartment that makes me feel blocked and stuck. I suspected it a little before the arrival in Norway, but we didn't have much choice. Now I know. (and this will be my first objective for Canada!)
Finally, I learned how some of my cultural traditions often prevented me from being open-minded in certain areas. I think that after my father's death, I found in food a comfort zone that reassured me and that I didn't want to shake up at all. And then I always had a lot of principles related to the meal and recipes that often created Ben's frustration in the kitchen, because I had a lot of trouble accepting a little creativity. That's right, you can be a very creative person and yet having very rigid principles in certain areas. Well, at the same time, it's not to create excuses for me, but we must admit that food and the table in the French culture are two areas controlled by an incalculable number of rules, whether they are said or not. However, after a month of all-vegetarian food at the hostel, I found myself improvising completely improbable dishes, which were sometimes very successful. And then I started to taste things again that I thought I didn't like.... (by the way, if you go to Norway one day, taste their cinnamon buns, it's wonderful!!!! I lost six months saying that I didn't like it while after one try in Lofoten I was eating them all the time...)
MY LOVE RELATIONSHIPS.
If I learned a lot about myself this year in Norway, I also learned a lot about my place and my personality when I am in a relationship.
I discovered or rediscovered (because I knew it but I had forgotten it) that one of my greatest weaknesses (which can sometimes be a strength) in my relationship is to eventually forget myself. I was so afraid of losing Ben this year, that all the choices I made were based on him, on what he would think of me, his desires, his comfort, his happiness. When we arrived in Voss and I quickly realized that I wouldn't like it there, I wanted to stay, instead of leaving as he suggested. Because I knew he would like it here, that he had already made friends and that he had the rivers to enjoy himself. And then, I was in a period of my life when I needed him by my side. I would never have been able to leave alone at that moment. I needed to go through these turbulent areas in his presence, no matter if the city where we were would intensify them. Now, I know for the future, that for my mental balance and personal happiness, I must succeed in maintaining my individuality within my couple, to be happy, and move forward. And anyway, it's the one and only secret of a couple that lasts...
However, sharing a trip, an expatriation, a nomadic life with your loved one, is really an experience I enjoyed. I have often had the impression that I was misunderstood because as long as you have not experienced it yourself, you cannot really understand all the emotions and feelings caused by expatriation, the return "home", and life abroad. Being able to share part of this experience (of travel and mourning) with Ben has brought us closer and closer together, even if it has also divided us in the end. And I know for the future, that a relationship with someone who doesn't know what I'm talking about would probably be too complicated for me.
Finally, my self-confidence. I've spent my life not believing in myself. Until the day I landed in New Zealand. I thought it was the country, the culture, the journey that gave me this strength. But I recently discovered, after the breakup with Ben, that it was my celibacy.... Since I was 16 years old, I've been in a series of relationships. The only year I was single was in New Zealand. (until the meeting with Ben and again, because we had a great independence from each other). I understood that one of my weaknesses in my love relationships is to bring all my love to others, to the point of forgetting myself and eventually seeing myself only through the eyes of others (and most of the time, making stories to myself). Barely separated from Ben, I had to bounce back and then, strangely enough, I no longer had any trouble believing in my plans. I'm not saying it's just my relationship as a couple, there's also the fact that I've "restarted" from scratch, in the Lofotens, which has allowed me to be a "new me". But when I find myself left to myself in a situation that I find complex or frightening, I go for it. Because I have no other choice or person but myself to decide. I think that at the end of the NZ travel, I was able to find my balance between Ben and me because I already had my own habits in the country when I met him. The problem this year was that we had to create our own reference points when I was completely lost inside. I relied on his experiences and those of our couple, without creating any for myself. And then when you suddenly lose someone, you lose a little confidence in life, so why believe in yourself when everything you believed in is falling apart... In the end, now that I have regained a little bit of myself and I know who I am again, I am aware that my self-confidence will be a great life project on which I will have to work non-stop in my future love relationships. Maybe I'll even start with "Hi, I'm Coralie, I'm a wonderful girl but I prefer telling you, I might forget about it with time, so... it's part of the package and you can deal with it, that's great, cause I'll have to work on it."
MY GRIEF
Finally, if going on a trip often allows you to start new projects, it can also sometimes allow you to mourn the past.
Going to Norway allowed me to mourn New Zealand as I experienced it the first time. With Cachou, our returns to both of us were quite difficult. We have often written to each other secretly saying "come on, let's quit everything and go back" but today I know that it would have made absolutely no difference. Because when I went back the second time, nothing was the same. I couldn't say why, but I was very uncomfortable. In fact, I had to mourn this special year I had spent to make way for new projects. The problem, deep down, is that I couldn't enjoy the present because I was trying to experience these emotional states of the past. And this whole transition of life in Voss was just a bitter reflection of me missing NZ so much. Today, I have managed to accept that this experience is over, but this does not prevent me from living other adventures, different but just as powerful. I'm not going to lie to you, I still dream of going back one day. But if I ever go back there again, it will no longer be in search of this life from the past, but to build new projects. There is something about Kiwi culture, landscapes and climate that I like. That makes me blossom. That soothes me. I feel good there, I feel myself. I have long repressed this love of NZ because I knew the pain it would cause my family to know that I was so far away if I ever wanted to go back. But if I really can't find my happiness elsewhere, I think I've accepted the idea that one day I could go back to a kiwi life. Well, don't worry, I'm still going to Bali, Patagonia and Canada ;) Because without this life experience in Norway, I would not have been able to tell you all of this. And the more experiences I have to compare, the better I know where I want to go... And then, all the people I talked to about Canada told me that once I got there, I would never want to leave... Who knows, maybe Canadians will come and steal the spotlight from the kiwis ?!
My dad's grief. Even though I hated Voss, I think this town was passage point. You would have put me somewhere else, I think I would have had about the same experience. I needed to confront this sadness, this discomfort, this loss of bearings. I needed to hit bottom so I could bounce back and restart. And that's what I'm finally doing today. I am so grateful to Ben who supported me despite the difficulties he had in seeing me sinking. Without him by my side, the road would have been even longer. I'm not saying I don't go through negative waves anymore, because I believe that such a life experience leaves you with a wound that will never really close. But I have learned to manage and appreciate them in a way. I have realized that this state is temporary and I repeat myself all the time that this emotion, like all the others, will pass. So I take it fully as a memory of my father and then I move on.
Grieving for yourself. I have often written that I found or found back myself on my travel paths. Norway made me realize how wrong I was. We don't really regain ourselves but we create ourselves, day after day. I tried all year to become the Coralie of the NZ again, the one that everyone, including me, loved... But I was wrong. By trying to be the one of the past, I forgot to live in the present. You've known a lot of Coralies. The one in Paris, the one before NZ, the one after, the one before my father's death, the one after, the one with Ben, the one without Ben... They all had qualities, faults, desires, joys, sorrows, projects... I was the ME you knew because I was living this life experience at that very moment. My arrival in Lofoten resonated in me as a new beginning, a new blank page to write. I could create who I wanted to be again, just as I did during my year in New Zealand. I realized thanks to Norway that sometimes you have to know how to mourn yourself in order to move forward and be free to create yourself in the present... And that's when I felt the freest, most alive and most "me". I won't hide it, just like for self-confidence, my personality disappears a little when I'm in a relationship. Because if in a corner of my head I evolve, I am always afraid that by changing, the one who loved me will no longer recognize me and no longer love me... When in fact, if you are at peace with yourself, in accordance with your values and projects, very often, the people around you can only love you and admire you even more... But it took me a long time to understand that ! People change, but so do we. And sometimes it is harder to accept that you have changed yourself, than to accept change in others...
In summary, you will have understood that this Viking experience, although it was not all easy, taught me as much and even more life lessons than my 11 months with the kiwis. I have spent a lot of time in recent weeks thinking about this year, this Norwegian experience, this first expatriation as a couple, my relationship with Ben, my father's death and my travels....
And then I read this following quote in an app I use daily called "reflectly" (it's like an online diary) :
"When something bad happens you have 3 choices. You can either let it define you, let it destroy you, or you can let it strengthen you"
I realized this is exactly that : the more you face life head-on, the more you come out of it.... Even if it means confronting your demons that are a little hard to accept sometimes.
When I first came home last year, I told you about this feeling of no longer feeling "at home" in France. I still have a little trouble explaining it, but it is like if everything seems foreign to you. It sometimes takes a period of rehabilitation, new projects, to rebuild landmarks where you used to have them. But sometimes, you just know deep down that this place is no longer for you right now.
I love our culture and our country for some of the things that have made me who I am every day (the landscapes, our vision of friendship, our dining, bars and cultural outings, and food of course) but I also hate our old France (our overpopulation, our minds sometimes closed to new things, our rules everywhere, our cult of appearance, being and perfection, our stressful culture, our complicated administration, and many others). I am well aware that this French way of life, this daily rhythm, no longer corresponds to me, no longer flourishes.
That's also why I want to go back on the road and live elsewhere once again. Because travel offers you so many new perspectives on the world, on your life and mainly on yourself.
And deep down, I am well aware that this quest for the ideal country is not a physical one. And that the day I come to stop living from my backpack, it will mean that I will have found enough answers to my questions to feel everywhere "like home"...
Waiting for more, I'll write you in a month for a feedback on this Bali Yoga experience !
Love. Co.
PS : once again, I did my best with the english, based on the translator app, so I hope this is good enough for you to understand all of it :) (One article in french takes me 6 to 8 hours of work so I'll let you imagine if I was rewriting myself all of it in english ;)) Love !!
Comments