Hey guys, here we are, 5 months spent in Norway !
I don't know if it's because it's the end, if the universe got involved or if I've finally found a way to lead my life here, but these last days have been full of adventures. Picking mushrooms, kayaking to a glacier, paragliding, first solo bivouac trip, mountain biking... "Living the real life" as you say in English... So many external and internal conquests.... And then I'm officially on vacation for a few days. So are you ready ? Let's go for this fifth month !
RAINBOWS IN MY LIFE
After the rain, the sun shines. And the colours of the rainbow gave me back some glimmers of hope...
After this hard time stuck in my mind, I decided to act and fight these feelings of being exhausted by this job and this lifestyle that don't really suit me. I decided to resign my work contract 3 weeks earlier than planned, September 21st will be my last day and the beginning of my freedom again.
I've never felt that released in a few months than the day I sent this resignation letter... An opportunity for me to change my perspective on my daily life, on myself and to try to find (or build) positive things in it where I was unable to see them. Enough to try to live these last few weeks from a completely different angle. A daily routine now open again to small life adventures.
As the days here are now going from 26 to 13 degrees in 24 hours, I sometimes wake up in the bright sun working in my undies, to start putting on my puffy jacket and my beanie for the next day. It was not easy to plan activities of course, but it taught me to seize the moment again and to take any slightest opportunity to go on an adventure, when the climate allows it.
So, when Ben and Nat offered to join them on their winter trip in the middle of summer, I obviously said YES.
FOLGEFONNA or THE GLACIER THAT CHANGED EVERYTHING
With our working hours all more complicated than the others, we took the road at night, just to save our Sunday for the visit of the glacier. We didn't really realize how much the landscapes around us had already changed since it was dark when we set up the tent. But the awakening, in the early morning, was magical... and the mountains surrounding, incredible.
We got back on the road early morning to cover the last few kilometers. For those who have read my previous articles, this is the same glacier you saw on my little hike with Ben's parents or my girl friends.
Indeed, a little further on, this glacier flows into a lake, accessible from a micro car park at the top of a steep road. I must admit that from that distance, I was a little disappointed. It looked really small. But since we were there, I wasn't going to cancel. And then this time, it was from our kayaks that we planned the adventure...
45 minutes later, we were at the bottom of the giant... Blue. White. Turquoise. Sculpted by the wind, the rain, the sun. An iced diamond. A masterpiece of nature...ephemeral....
I wouldn't really know how to explain it, but being there at the bottom of that huge layer of ice gave me a big boost. I was speechless. So grateful to have made it this far. To be alive, healthy and have the eyes to see it.
Feeling the cold coming out of the walls. Hearing the crunching of the ice, the detonations of the few pieces falling into the water. The colors almost unreal.... My problems suddenly didn't matter anymore.
Risky or not, I was there, in the middle of this almost supernatural adventure. If I had been told one day that I would float at the foot of a glacier, I wouldn't have believed you...
After a picnic on an island just opposite, we decided to climb the adjacent mountain to try to observe the glacier more closely, this time with our feet on the ground. Adventurers but not reckless, before conquering the summit, we made sure to "lock" the boats in case of an ice fall. The principal goal is to be able to go home ;)
40 minutes later, on a rocky and unstable ground, the view is even more breathtaking by the side of this ice colossus...
I can't explain it, but this experience warmed my heart. I have never felt so small, so ephemeral as I do now, in the middle of this turquoise blue. My life had no other interest than to live for this kind of moments.
During these micro-expeditions, I had the impression to live fully and to breathe, for real. As contradictory as it is, it was in the middle of this frozen danger that I felt most alive.
I know that my mom, like all moms, when she will read this article she will be scared for me. And I'm not going to lie, yes, of course the adventure was at risk. If a piece of this glacier comes off that would probably create some waves that could have made us capsize, fell into the water, or lost the boat in the worst case scenario... We could have slipped too when we were climbing. But I also could have been crushed on the road while crossing into downtown Voss. Falling down the stairs and not getting up. Or simply, going to bed without ever waking up... The percentage is the same. But I would rather feel the adrenaline and stress of an adventure than the one from our sedentary lifestyles, our incoherent jobs or our society.
Up there, in the middle of that white desert, I also realized how much my dad would have loved to be there with me. He gave me a taste for adventure. He spent his time sharing his life with me. I remember crying for hours and telling myself how unfair it was because he left so young, he still had too much to see and live before he could die peacefully.
The death of a loved one is the most painful experience I have ever endured. So, inflicting this on you, with my own death, was completely inconceivable. That's why these last few months, unconsciously, I've forgotten to live. For me. For my happiness. I avoided certain activities that I love, because they were "dangerous". I imagined the sadness and the damage for you, if something should happen to me too....
And at the same time, I could still hear the echoes of this last conversation with him last November, when he told me that we had to enjoy the present moment, because we don't know what tomorrow will bring. Reminding me that there was one main lesson he learned from all my blog posts in New Zealand, and it was this one. That life is more beautiful when you live it in the present...
So this month, I allowed myself to live. Fully. Because I don't know what tomorrow will be like. I don't want to wake up one day and be 40, 50, 70, 90 years old and say to myself, "Shit, I'm too old for that now". I want to live my life now. Because he was right, my father, you never know what tomorrow will be like.
THE GREAT ADVENTURE OF BEING ME
I don't know if you remember, but when I was in New Zealand, I shared with you a quote saying "I accept the great adventure of being me" by Simone De Beauvoir. Well, I, Coralie, at the end of August 2019, and in memory of my father, I accepted once again the great adventure of being me... Going through more pain recently made me realized this is my only strengh.
In the space of 24 hours, the universe brought me 3 opportunities that proved me one unique thing : the importance of doing things for yourself.
I had the opportunity to fly in the air again, with Marcio, over Voss. A symbolic experience and an emotional flight since my first time was with my father two years ago, over the snow-covered Alps.
A few hours later, I set off for the first time on a hike and bivouac alone at the top of one of the fjords. Despite the fear of being left to myself for a night in the wilderness, I thought I had to do it. For me. Because it was on my list in New Zealand. But that I had never felt strong enough to do it...
So me, my tent, my backpack and my ukulele, we went out to conquer myself. Kiellandbu is probably the most beautiful hike I have done so far in Norway. River, waterfall, natural slides, lakes, suspension bridges, mountains, valleys, fjords,... everything was there. An easy hike. 1h30 to reach the summit.
Maybe it was the adrenaline and the excitement of being there for myself, but the landscapes seemed grandiose to me. I enjoyed every moment. The colours, the smells, the sun playing hide and seek behind the mountains. The lapping of the water, the bleating of the sheep in the distance in the valley. I enjoyed every moment so much that instead of the 1h30 walk planned, I took 2h20, including swimming and photos.
Once at the top, the view was magical. I was there. The first step was done. I forgot the weight of the backpack and the tent on my shoulders. I forgot how much I had suffered these last months from not being me. I forgot everything. I was there. Fully there.
I had chosen this hike because at the top was a cabin that you can rent for the night. So I knew that if "it didn't go well" I would have a plan B, but once I got there, I wouldn't be able to get out of it. 8:30 p.m., the tent was set up and my friends, the sheep, were starting to wonder "what is this thing in the middle of OUR territory".
Luckily, 5 people slept that night in the wooden cabin. "Whew, if anything happens to me, I won't be alone." This was enough to boost me and crush my imagination, which is sometimes overflowing when it comes to sleeping in the middle of nature.
To perfect the experience and since the weather was looking rather mild, I decided to install only the mosquito net in the tent. 0 rainfall forecast, I checked three times before going to bed. Okay, that should do it. "Good night and see you tomorrow"...
In the end, it was a night under the stars that I spent, rocked by the sound of the wind and the sound of the sheep bells, still as curious as ever, strolling by my tent.
Yes well, that was without telling you about the 4:30 am episode, when the rain, coming out of nowhere, gently washed my face and woke me up. 3min30 is the time it took me to jump out of the sleeping bag, remove my socks, run barefoot in the rain, try to put the second layer on the tent, in the dark, and as quickly as possible. I think I've never been so quick at setting up a camp before ! haha
When I woke up, even more magic. It's with my sleepy head that I rediscovered the landscape under the few rays of sunlight passing through the clouds... No time to lose, I put everything away, take my bag back and go back on the road because at 11am, another adventure was waiting for me.
A last goodbye to my friends the sheep and these landscapes followed by a few minutes on the road to rejoice in this small victory and here I am... back in Voss.
I took the cable car to reach another summit where a third and final challenge awaited me : to go down by the intermediate mountain bike track, a challenge I had given to myself at the beginning of the season. After begging the guides all summer to accompany me, Claire finally gave in. 7 km of descent through mud, mountains, rocky terrain and forest.... I had never felt able to do it by myself being always considered as a beginner.
After a puncture, dozens of "whoooop", some more or less controlled landings on the ground, 6 or 7 dodged parts and some bruises on the thighs, I did it! 1h30 instead of 40 minutes for Claire when she's alone, but I did it! And I'm not even talking about the pleasure of covering myself with mud when we were getting faster so we wouldn't get stuck with the wheels in the ground.... I was speechless.
As you will have understood, I took a little time this month to focus more on myself, my desires, my needs, my happiness. To protect myself. To prepare myself for what's next.
It was on the roads of New Zealand that I felt most connected to myself. It was on the roads of Norway that I felt the most stranger to myself.
I had hope in coming to this country to find a new place to breathe and feel alive again. But I was wrong. I was looking outside for what I couldn't find inside. And I was getting more and more lost every day.
In reality, it's not just the grief I've been through. There is this "after New Zealand", the difficulties in our relationship with Ben, this new cultural integration. When I was living this kiwi life, I was taking day after day "without any worries". Mainly because I was constantly connected to my desires, my needs. Also because this kiwi trip, I was doing it for myself mostly. Since then, I have completely forgotten to devote time to myself. I made this trip you might say, I visited a lot too, yes it's true. But I did it with Ben. With his parents. With my girl friends. I also forced myself to do things for others, because it would make them happier. But I forgot to ask myself what I really wanted for myself deep down... I thought it would be selfish. But it was actually the key to not being.... Because when you are happy, your happiness shines on others and believe me, it can change a whole world.
I felt guilty all this time to feel depressed and I put all my energy and sadness on my love relationship, trying to find some happiness in the storm but it was not the key. I was the key. And if I lost everything I know today I have myself back. I was so afraid of being alone again. Plunging even deeper into a relationship of dependence on others and distance from myself. But today, I'm no longer afraid. The mountains can be crossed. Even the highest and most impassable. If I listen to myself and support myself, the world opens up at my feet...
And yes, I'm sure I'll still surf negative waves of despair, but at the same time, I want to say "shit", we only live once. And it is worth living it fully. With others, yes, but for oneself. And then, as I experienced last year, the best encounters, the best experiences, come when you are at peace with yourself... So take care of yourself, listen to yourself, do things for yourself too. Because after the rain, comes the sun. And in between, it's full of pretty rainbows.
Love. Co.
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