Hello there, it's been a minute on here.
It's been almost 6 months since my last post. I know I've been quiet on here, but a lot happened since then... And a lot of you asked me why did I not share any of my life experiences on here, like I use to.
Here is partly why...
For those of you who know, I had made the decision last year in September to sign up for a Life Coaching course. At first, I'm not gonna lie, I thought maybe that would be the course that would finally "fix" myself... 3 months in and after a few random dating experiences and one pretty tough one, I decided also to go back to therapy, convinced that something was really wrong with me.
"Why can I not find anyone that really loves me for who I am? It always ends up the same way! What's wrong with me! I'm tired of it."
Was I finally breaking down in tears in front of a therapist...
And it's a good mix of Life Coaching and intense therapy sessions that finally brings me to this blog article, 6 months later... It's been a hell of a journey but I'm so glad it did. And it all started with this guy who love bombed me. Are you ready for the ride? Buckle up... En route!
THAT LOVE ADDICTION.
I've always been obsessed with understanding myself. I'm convinced since I was a child that I am different. I noticed at a very early age that I act differently, I respond differently, I think differently, I feel differently and I love differently. And people would mirror me back that too. So I believed it.
I found ways to feel accepted. A bit of people pleasing and good girl behavior and that was it. I was everything everyone wanted me to be. And doing so, I had the love I was looking for. Or that's what I thought.
I became obsessed with my partners. I'd adapt so very well and people-please in my love relationships in such a good way that the honey moon phase would last quite for a while. I'd intellectualize my emotions as much as I could, as a way of shutting them down. I'd match myself with avoidant partners, who would also mirror me back that my emotions were wrong and that I was wrong.
It would work for a year or two. The longest was 6.5 years. But I'd always hit the same wall.
I couldn't hide myself from who I was any longer. What they'd like about me would suddenly come back as a boomerang. I'd become too much for them.
I kept on running after the love of my partners convinced that was the only love I could get. I became love obsessed, love addicted and codependent. I couldn't rely on myself because the love of others was all I was looking for. Like a child, desperately looking for unconditional love from their parents.
I had a HUGE self-awareness. Even my therapists were telling me so. BUT. What none of them had told me was that I was intellectualizing every single thing. Emotions. Patterns. Feelings. Love. I couldn't let go of anything. I couldn't lean into anything. I couldn't sit down and believe that those emotions would pass. I'd get flooded. The head under water. I was convinced I didn't have the right to feel this way. I was exaggerating everything. That was not possible to love that much and hurt that much. Until that guy who LOVE BOMBED me....
THAT LOVE BOMBING EFFECT.
I had never heard of this concept. Being love bombed by someone.
Love Bombing is a manipulative tactic used to gain control in a relationship. Friends, family or romantic partners can love bomb you. They say it's often from a person with narcissistic traits. What they are looking for through this act is validation. They want to prove themselves that they can be loved, very fast.
How does love bombing look like ?
Showering you with gifts and compliments
Giving you a lot of attention
Over-communicating their feelings for you.
Early and intense talks about your future together.
...
It all happens at a very early stage of the relationship. A stage where none of you should be saying those things or doing those things.
But for someone who's desperate for love like me, it felt like everything I needed. It felt so good. To be told I was different. In a good way this time. To be told stories of a future together. And a future that would actually look like the one I wanted. Gosh, it lasted for 3 weeks but it felt like this forever feeling I was looking for.
But those love bombing partners know how to shift. Once they get the reassurance that they could make you fall for them, they pull out. Usually, in a pretty sudden ways.
I waited 4 days in a row to have conversations with this guy who kept rain checking on me or just not showing up. I was devastated. I didn't understand. The 4th day, he finally came. And the reason why the shift happened was that I was not enough.
I went from being too much in most of my relationships to suddenly not being enough.
That was the bomb for me. The one that made me say : ENOUGH.
GRIEF & SELF-ACCEPTANCE
When I started therapy again, my new therapist spent 3 hours just listening to my life story. We went back to so many details. I felt so seen. For the very first time. When we came to talk about my love relationships, it was pretty obvious that my love relationship with myself was completely inexistant. Despite all of my good words on here the last few years. Despite all the labels that helped me understand who I am, I still couldn't accept myself and love myself for who I was.
All the work I had put all this time was always on my friends and partners. Trying to help them. To fix them. To fix the relationship. But I had spent very little time sitting with myself and accepting those parts of me that people had pointed out as problems.
Clearly,
I didn't accept myself for who I was.
I didn't respect myself either.
I didn't show up for myself when I needed myself.
I'd constantly choose others before myself.
So the first 6 months of 2023 have been all about me. Rediscovering my needs. My wants. My desires. And to accept myself. As much as I could.
I kept on dating for a bit, then I completely stopped. Because I realized I wanted to put that energy and that love onto me. Not others anymore. I cut off with some friends or put some distance, tired of being asked to not be myself.
I sat with my emotions and cried like never before.
I hated myself, but I comforted myself too.
I locked myself in, stopped going out, too tired of facing the truth about every single of my relationships. (family & friends too)
I kept on doing life, skiing, going for walk, or making dinner with friends. But nothing exciting.
I thought awakening would be that enjoyable path of loving yourself, but awakening to who you are, means grieving parts of yourself that were not you, redefining relationships, setting boundaries, releasing a lot of emotions, ending relationships, sadness, anger, disappointment, frustration, ...
Awakening to your patterns and yourself means realizing that a lot of your past hasn't been what you though it was. It's waking up to a new world and a new perspective on your life, on your friendships, on your family and on yourself, that can shake the ground like an earthquake. It's a stormy weather on the beach. It's a tsunami of emotions. And during all of this, all I wanted to do, for the very first time, was to be alone, with myself.
THAT SELF-LOVE FEELING, FINALLY
So, yeah, that's why I've been so quiet on here. I needed to do this process on my own before sharing it on here. For the very first time, I chose myself, above everything else. And I try hard to do so, everyday. It doesn't mean I'm selfish. It just means for once, I do the things that makes me feel good. I am the person that makes me feel good.
Don't wait for someone to choose you. Choose yourself first.
It did feel heavy at times but today it feels so good. It's far from being over and there are days where it all feels too much. There are days where the waves are 3 feet above my head and I can't do it all alone. But that's when my life coaching join the game, that's when I call my therapist for a last minute session or when I call a very close friend or two, to be heard and feel seen. To get the validation I need. So I can keep on moving forward, loving myself a little bit more and accepting that who I am, always has been.
And when times ares rough I try to remember that we all are beautiful souls, when we let ourselves be.
I'll write to you soon about this USA road Trip I'm on.
Love. Co.
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