Why we should all try to get locked down with the ghosts of our past (or how I ended up spending 6 weeks with my ex and I survived.)
Love. It’s been a big subject in my life so far. I mean, I only spent 2 years of the last 14 being single and that was not even 24 months in a raw… We could think I was just exploring around but nope, I was too busy saving and mourning one relationship after another that I only got 3 boyfriends in my life. I might be the kind of person who struggle to let go and who doesn’t quit the ship that easily. However, the last one though, was pretty special. If you read me before, you know that I’ve met Ben when I was in New Zealand where we lived like two crazy happy child for almost a year. Then, I lost my dad and while mourning, I forgot about who I was and we spent 8 months slowly losing each other. When we broke up, it took me forever to accept it was over. We were on two opposite sides of the world but I could not stop thinking about us. I simply could not forgive myself for what happened there. Even if I knew I was wrong, I was still thinking I was the reason why we lost what we had.
When I finally landed in Patagonia at the end of January, I started realizing how much I achieved in the last year, how far I’ve been by myself, how strong I had become despite everything. I slowly could start being kind to myself again and realize I was not the monster I thought I was. It was time to move on and break free so I did.
We spent 6 months without seeing each other. Until this Covid-19 happened. While panicked and stuck in Argentina, Ben wrote me. Just a message to catch up and make sure I was ok. I was not. I didn’t really know where to go. I needed family or friends. But France was a no-go zone already. And my life is not there anymore. From a conversation to another, him and his family offered me some help if I wanted to come to NZ. “Well, that’s not really ideal. I’d thought. But where else could I go ? I had friends there and I love New Zealand so much… So going back was definitely gonna happen someday." I stopped thinking. I jumped in a plane and by the end of the lockdown, I had spent 6 weeks isolated with him and his parents. And voilà. That was it. Locked down with my ex.
Most of my friends told me, how did you survive to being stuck with him for so long ?
Well, the hardest part wasn’t to live with him but to face the ghosts of my past. Don’t get it wrong. He is not the ghost, he is pretty real. But all these shadows and memories of me drowning in sadness and depression after the loss of my dad, of us fighting without any reasons, destroying each other without wanting it, seeing the darkest part of ourselves and taking each other even downer… These, are the ghosts that came back haunting me as soon as I started living around him again.
When I chose to come to NZ, I didn’t come for him. I had a pretty clear idea of what I needed in my life and who I needed by my side and he was not the right one anymore. I didn’t want to fix the past with the hope of building a new common future. But I was pretty conscious that being stuck with him was taking a risk too & face more than I could imagine so far. But I’m an adventurer so I chose the risk. And what we could expect from this kind of situation happened. Yes it has been hard and confusing most of the time. But still, I would recommend the experience to anyone who is deeply looking to know more about themselves. Why ? Because this hard time, has been one of the best time to heal and grief from this whole love story.
So what did I learn ?
I was stuck in the now, with the ghosts of a past floating around and the uncertainty of a future that we had one day in common but that doesn't exist anymore… Pretty rough and unusual for sure, but pretty convenient at the end.
How did I manage all of this ? With one rule :
waking up every morning reminding myself that I live only in the now. Nothing of the past exists anymore. Nothing of the future exist yet. What I think he thought of me a year ago, what I thought of myself a year ago, who I was, who he was, none of this exists anymore. I am here. Now. I might think I know him but I don’t know him anymore. The same applies for him to me. People change. So do I. Everyday will be a new blank page to write. No questions. No pain from the past. No plan for the future. I am here and here only, right now.
When I started letting it go, I then realize we were slowly building new memories together. Replacing in my mind day after day the last dark ones I had of us. We laughed, played, joked around. Acting like kids again. Accepting each other for what we are. The black shadows slowly disappeared and we looked pretty similar with who we used to be before the loss of my dad. But this time, only as friends.
I’m not gonna lie. It’s been hard. Confusing. Shaking my mind in every direction during 6 weeks. I woke up every single day facing this kind of truth : I might have moved on but I still love him in some ways. And I would hate him every time we’d laugh too much. Every time we would have fun together. Every time we would share some visions of the future. I would hate him because we would get along too well. Because I never had this connection before with any of my boyfriends. Because I would feel stuck and alone while being by his side. But then, instead of drowning again into those waves of unclear feelings and emotions, I’d decide to ride them. Day after day. Letting them come and go. As they were. To understand them better. And move forward. No matter what happens.
Coming here was probably not really sane from me and this might not be for everyone. But this, was the last step I needed to definitely move on. Because, most of our last conversations before we broke up last year was about how dark and lost I was. How much I had changed. By the end of our relationship, he had no hope left for me anymore, convinced that the dark Coralie would be the only Coralie. And that was killing me soflty. I hadn’t quit on myself. I never did. I knew I would find my own way out, in my own time. And I did.
I know we should never expect this from anyone else than ourselves and my therapist would probably say I only had to convince myself but I've realized I needed to come back and prove him he was wrong. Not for him, because I don't even think he knows anything about all of this. But for me. And today, I feel like I've finally forgiven myself for thinking all this time I was the problem. I was not. I had fought so hard to save our relationship that I had forgotten that sometimes, it is just not meant to be. I've seen how good we can be to each other. But I've felt how toxic this can be to me too. He loves being single & independent. I love being in love and sharing every single part of me with someone. And I've learned that I deserve to have someone who wants the same. And yes, even if it breaks my heart to say it, I've understood that even soulmates can take different paths one day. And we would probably have done it at some point anyway.
Despite being locked down with the ghosts of my past was quite an adventure, I would sign for it again if I had too. When this will be over, I’ll be moving out. And the day I’ll cross this doorstep, I’ll be free again. I might be closing one chapter but It's a full new book I'm opening. And if he is part of it just as my friend, well I'm ok with it now. Because this time, I'll leave with no regrets anymore and I'm ready for what’s next.
So Love. It’s been a big thing in my life so far. By spending most of my time in a relationship, I have never been used to develop the love for myself. I thought I had done it just before meeting Ben. But these last weeks with him made me realize how much I had lied to myself. During all this lockdown, I only wanted to know what he was thinking of me. Why ! Why was I stuck in that again ? Probably to see myself through his eyes. Again. I always have been more in love of the image he had of me that the one I had of myself...And because of that, our whole relationship was mistaken in advance... I thought I had been through all of this already when I was grieving our love story in Lofoten. But apparently I still had pieces to get through.. I was dying sometimes of running away from it. But we were in lockdown, so I could not. And I’m happy I could not. Because I faced it. One last time. And I’ve learned a lot from it. And instead of rushing myself into another relationship again, I'll try to make sure that this time, I’ll take the time I need to love myself more than anyone else before.
Because, if you're being true to yourself, you know that the most beautiful love story you can live is the one you will first share with yourself.
Love. Co.
Comments