Do you remember the story of the Princess and the pea ?
This is the story of a young prince in search of a "real" princess. He went all over the world but had great difficulty in finding his better half. He was never sure if his suitors were real princesses. One evening, as the storm raged outside, a young girl arrived at the castle, her dress and hair completely soaked. She had gotten lost after fleeing a battle in her distant country, and announced that she was a real princess. The prince's mother decided to test her, without her knowledge. She placed a pea under a pile of 7 mattresses and gave the princess this bed on which she spent the night. In the morning, when the Queen asked her if she had slept well, the young girl said that she had not slept all night, embarrassed by something hard, which had given her bruises all over her body. The Prince, charmed by the girl and now reassured of her authenticity, asked her to marry him. The pea was displayed under a glass cube and they lived happily ever after, having many children.
Apart from all the parts that awaken the feminist in me in this story, I have recently been thinking about this story and thinking that the princess must be a person of high sensitivity. A PSE or HSP. "Such sensitive skin can only be that of a genuine princess", the story says... Once again, although there are things wrong with this story, there is a small part of it that places the princess and therefore the HSPs as rare, exceptional people that you want to have in the kingdom, and in power... Pretty cool, huh?
Yet there are mornings (many mornings) when I wake up and hate my hypersensitivity. While I have felt the effects of the 21st century pea on me, I don't really have a kingdom ready to welcome me, or even a Prince Charming in search of this unique sensitivity. I don't wake up feeling like the princess with the pea, but rather like the bitch with the pea. And this morning could have been one of them...
A DAY IN THE SKIN OF A HIGHLY SENSITIVE PERSON
I had a complicated night. I had trouble falling asleep because I could hear the roar of the water heater 2 rooms away. The sheets were sticking to my skin creating folds that got stuck between my legs and prevented me from turning over freely. The smell of pasta with tomato sauce from the previous day had invaded the room. It obsessed my mind and prevented me from relaxing. I tried to open the bottle of lavender essential oils I have by the bed, but the scent, which initially freshened the room, then rose to my nose and throat. The artificial light I use for my dying plants in this basement flat comes through the doorway and every time I open my eyes it feels like morning. Sometimes just the sound of my landlady's cat's little paws above can drive me crazy. And I don't know if it's my imagination, but it sounds like my boyfriend, who sleeps next to me, is fighting with the mattress every time he rolls over.
In the early morning, after a difficult awakening, I take the car. If the radio turns on and goes straight to the Covid news, my hair stands on end. The cold from the steering wheel cuts off my blood circulation and turns my fingers white. Fortunately, I don't carpool to work, otherwise I would have had to negotiate the front passenger seat again to avoid getting sick. Sometimes I don't even dare to ask, and I go home with my stomach in knots.
At work, as soon as I set foot in the workshop, I can tell if one of my colleagues is having a bad day... This sensitivity to other people's emotions often gets to me and sometimes changes my moods.
When I go out for a drink or a meal in a restaurant, I am often disgusted by the burps people make at the table. It's a sound that disgusts me, not to mention the smell sometimes.
When it's evening and we're watching a film at home, I'm always startled. Every movement or sound that creates surprise makes me jump uncontrollably. Even when I've seen the scene 10 times before.
When I was younger and sleeping in the camper van, I used to scream in the morning when my father made coffee without opening the awning and the steam that filled the space made it impossible for me to breathe. It was like waking up locked in a steam room.
At the market I can't stand the smell of an olive stand, too strong for me.
The lack of sunshine affects my mood quite intensely.
I can't stand being too cold or too hot.
The pace of the cities stresses me out. Bras prevent me from breathing. Clothing labels make me itch. Mosquito bites drive me crazy. And ski boots are the most painful and unbearable invention possible for my feet....
THERE IS NO PAUSE BUTTON FOR HIGHLY SENSITIVITY
As you can see, I spend a lot of time complaining in my daily life and for my boyfriend, whose sensitivity is rather normal, it is sometimes unbearable. As a child, I often heard my parents and my sister reproach me "You always have to think of everything for your own comfort". I often heard my friends say that I was very demanding with myself and with others. I have often heard my colleagues, managers and bosses tell me that I always have very high, even "too high" expectations. And my mother, from whom I got a large part of my character and who I also suspect to be a HSP (highly sensitive person), always called herself "Mommy the Bitch".
So I grew up with the idea that I was a pain in the ass too. That this daily discomfort that sometimes forced me to ask others, and especially my boyfriend, to adapt had made me this painful person to live with. And that I had to learn to silence these needs as best I could...
The problem is that there is no pause button for hypersensitivity. If 80% of the population spends its time reproaching others for being too sensitive, too demanding, too annoying, we are still 20% of the population to live in the daily discomfort of a society not designed for HSP. Everything is fast-moving, everything is noisy, everything is light, colour, smell, sound, touch, non-stop. Our senses are constantly being jostled from a thousand sides. And I'm not even talking about the emotional hyperactivity of a world driven by fear and the media...
If we can sometimes find the tools to put our brain on pause, it is almost impossible to stop our senses from reacting. If the smell of perfume in a car makes me sick, I have only two options: open the windows and ask that no more perfume be diffused during the journey, or change cars. If a sound that someone is making all the time continues to startle me, I have two choices: leave the room, or ask the person to accommodate. I can't tell my ears to stop hearing and my nose to stop smelling... And believe me, it's not for lack of willpower.
I spent a whole part of my life trying to articulate my needs and asking others if it would be possible to eventually make less noise, open the window, go up to the front... and I spent the rest of the time being told, because of these requests, that I was a pain to live with on a daily basis. And I came to believe it...
BUT... WHAT IF IT WASN'T US HSP'S THAT WERE MALADJUSTED TO THE WORLD, BUT RATHER THE WORLD THAT WAS MALADJUSTED TO US?
Indeed, we cannot decide on our hypersensitivity to the environment that surrounds us. What's more, in the past, it was this very sensitivity that allowed our species to survive! We were the first to give the signal if we had to run to escape a lion... And it is indeed thanks to our overdeveloped senses that this could happen... Basically, our hypersensitivity was our superpower and others certainly appreciated us more at the time, especially when it came to saving their lives.
In a world where Man has become king, it sometimes seems to be a battle of egos. It is easier to reproach others for being too sensitive than to look at ourselves as non-sensitive or less sensitive beings.
YET IT IS NOT WE, HSP, WHO ARE TOO SENSITIVE, IT IS THE WORLD THAT IS NOT SENSITIVE ENOUGH...
In reality, HSP or not HSP we all have our part to play in making this world a better place for everyone.
To all the HSPs reading this article today, know that you are not alone, and you are not the problem. Having needs and articulating them is the healthiest thing for you and your relationships. I know how hard it can be to dare, especially when you've spent years being shut down or silenced. But one step at a time... It's important for your own balance and if you are told that you have too many needs or that you are a pain, then change the people you talk to (or live with)... The world is uncomfortable enough as it is to add unnecessary suffering to yourself.
As for the non-HSPs who read me, I just wish I could say: yes, there are people who tame the world in a completely different way to you. They feel the world, much more intensely. And just because it's different from you, doesn't mean they're wrong... (or that they are boring.) I'm sure that if you were confronted with an unpleasant smell and it was exaggerated x1000, you too would start complaining... Imagine this for all your senses, and continuously... Being aware of it is the biggest step. Then, get informed, keep an open mind and think about adapting yourself, once in a while, too :)
Because deep down, who knows, maybe if they lived so happily and had so many children it was because the duo of the Princess and the pea and the Prince Charming was a HSP / non HSP duo!
Love.
Co.
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