To all of my past self and to all of the future ones...
I've already experienced many flashbacks of past moments in my life. However, yesterday's flashback was like a slap in the face when I woke up. While I was watching a movie shot in Ireland, I gradually remembered my trip in May 2017... In this picture, I am 26 years old. This is my second solo trip. And despite my smile, in real life, in my head, at that moment, I was completely lost.
I had just gotten out of a relationship of a little over 6 years with my boyfriend of that time. A few months earlier, I had experienced the hasty closure of the event agency where I had spent four years. I was still traumatized by the 2015 Parisian attacks. I wanted to run away from my life, so much it weighed on me. Apart from my boyfriend, no one really knew how unhappy I was with my daily life. I dreamed of traveling and living abroad, but I was terrified of going to an English-speaking country, convinced that my English wasn't good enough to speak it... I had never really been on a long hike in the mountains. I didn't think I would be able to leave my family and friends for more than 6 months. I dreamed of far away places but Europe already terrified me. Professionally speaking, I was swimming in a complete void. And every morning I woke up with a sinking feeling in my stomach wondering what tomorrow would bring...
But, this morning, when I found this portrait, a smile appeared on my face. It was as if I was looking at a photo of an old friend I hadn't spoken to in a very long time. For the first time in five years I felt compassion, a lot of compassion, towards this girl on the screen, who is none other than me. And I think that if I could, I would have even hugged her, this old version of myself. I would have told her that it's going to be okay. That in a few months, she will be on a plane with one of her best friends, for what will be THE trip of her life. That the road she is about to take is full of answers and new questions... I'd like to warn her that there are tougher trials ahead and that this feeling of being clueless she hates so much at this point, unfortunately, will not go away.
It's crazy, but I've never been so aware of this journey over the past few years. I had never taken the time to be proud of all the little dreams I have achieved. It's like I've been too busy trying to write the perfect journey for myself.
The picture below was taken last September.
Same smile on my face, same worries. Expatriation has never been as difficult as it is in the midst of a pandemic. The world seems to have been so complicated and so precarious these last two years, that my daily life seemed heavy all the time, even in settings as stunning as this one. In this picture, I long for more freedom. More travel, more encounters, more love, more laughter, more discoveries and more adventures. I also yearn for more stability. But at this point, I fell like I'm sitting on this rock with clipped wings.
It's funny to think that I have in front of me the proof that all these cycles are always ephemeral. The good and the bad. Everything always passes. Sometimes, I completely forget how impossible this dream of living abroad seemed to me from my 27m2 Parisian apartment. Sometimes I forget that I made it. That I have the life I dreamed of at the time.
My dreams have changed since then. They are bigger and sometimes seem much more complicated to achieve. Yet, this morning, as I look at this picture, I realize that they may be just around the corner from knocking on my door. That they may not be as far away as I think.
Because after all, as the famous quote goes:
"If you can dream it, you can do it",
And If I did it in the past, why not this time ?!
Take care of your dreams, they will take you exactly where you need to go.
Love.
Co
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