NEW ZEALAND / EPISODE N°« I LOST COUNT »
You've probably already experienced it, in your everyday life, there are sometimes stories that, without any control on your part, take you by the guts. You are overwhelmed with emotions, overwhelmed by the beauty of the story or the atrocity of the words, amazed by the storyteller and his accuracy, captivated by a look, a character or embalmed by smells you perceive from your couch.
No wonder then that three months later, I was boarding again for New Zealand. Yes, but I didn't say much about it at the time because my father's death turned the whole thing upside down, but this second kiwi experience was like the first mix of love and disenchantment. Was it the "return" effect that also applied this time to NZ or was it the circumstances of my return, as a tourist, that prevented me from finding my foot ? I don't know why I suddenly had no excuses for all the little things that annoyed me. Worse, that's all I could see...conceptions of the world upside down to allow me to bring back my own versions of the story. And then there is New Zealand. This country has put me through it all at once. Just like love at first sight or like a love story that you can't control. You've heard me tell you how incredible it was there, you've followed my evolution, you've watched me grow through my articles, you've also been amazed by my stories, but this time, I made the choice to leave. I would even say that I needed it. Surprising you'd say when you know how much this country has stolen my heart... Well, maybe not that much... because love stories, sometimes, can be complicated.
You've probably already experienced it, in your everyday life, there are sometimes stories that, without any control on your part, take you by the guts. You are overwhelmed with emotions, overwhelmed by the beauty of the story or the atrocity of the words, amazed by the storyteller and his accuracy, captivated by a look, a character, or embalmed by smells you perceive from your couch. e countries that have taught me that life, mine, the life I had always believed in, may not be the one I needed. There are cultures that have turned all my preconceptions of the world upside down to allow me to bring back my own versions of the story. And then there is New Zealand. This country has put me through it all at once. Just like love at first sight or like a love story that you can't control. You've heard me tell you how incredible it was there, you've followed my evolution, you've watched me grow through my articles, you've also been amazed by my stories, but this time, I made the choice to leave. I would even say that I needed it. Surprisingly you'd say when you know how much this country has stolen my heart... Well, maybe not that much... because love stories, sometimes, can be complicated.
Do you share the ride? let's go...
LOVE AT FIRST SIGHT.
Before I got on a plane almost three years ago, I didn't even know where to put the country on the map, and if Cachou hadn't planned her year off on this other side of the world, I might never have been interested in New Zealand. And yet... A few weeks on Kiwi land had been enough to convince me. In the middle of a sentimental break up with my own country, I had simply fallen in love with another. That whole first year of discovery was what I called my NZ honeymoon.
I was conquered. In fact, I told you at the time that I was really living this life experience from day to day because deep down inside, I had no desire to go back. I was so sad and nostalgic just by thinking of flight back to France. And as in every start of a love story, I was just amazed by every single smallest detail of this country. You could have proved me anything awful about NZ, I absolutely wouldn't have believed you. Love at first sight, for a person or for a country, it's beyond you... Sometimes it's even more intense than you could bear, but you still want more... I remember, Cachou and I, being so seduced by each of our discoveries that we didn't want to go back on the road sometimes... just to savour a little longer all those moments which, we were well aware, would come to an end. Just the thought of having to leave was tearing my heart out. And in travels as in love stories, the time of departure often sounds like the time of breaking up...
THE BREAK UP
When I had to leave the first time, it wasn't really by choice. My visa was expiring, my family and friends were asking for me, but deep down inside I was really not ready to go back. (Looking back, I often ask myself: can we really ever be ready ?).
At the time, returning to France had been very difficult. I was telling you about it through this article (here) trying my best to put into words this feeling of "no longer feeling at home" when you are actually home. What a strange feeling to float between two worlds without finding a way to anchor myself again in a culture, a country, which was nevertheless my own for more than 25 years!
No wonder then that three months later, I was boarding again for New Zealand. Yes, but I didn't say much about it at the time because my father's death turned the whole thing upside down, but this second kiwi experience was like a first mix of love and disenchantment. Was it the "return" effect that also applied this time to NZ or was it the circumstances of my return, as a tourist, that prevented me from finding my foot ? I don't know why I suddenly had no excuses for all the little things that annoyed me. Worse, that's all I could see...The Honeymoon was over. Between NZ and I, it was "complicated".
And then, there was the loss of my dad, a new break-up with NZ, an express return to France, an expatriation to Norway, the break-up with Ben... In the middle of this emotional mess, I never really had the chance to understand why this second kiwi experience didn't have the same magic as the first one (just as much as the third one) and this brutal departure had definitely left me with a taste of unfinished business. So, even though Norway made me realize that I had to mourn this Kiwi year in order to finally move forward, I had promised myself, deep down inside, to go back to NZ one day to finish what I hadn't had time to finish.
The rest of the story, you know it. 2020, my training in Patagonia, COVID-19, my "just-in-time-arrival" in New Zealand and that was the beginning of this completely unexpected-4-month-adventure in Kiwi land again.
A STORY OF EX
This third trip to New Zealand really felt like a return to the past. I can still remember the feelings in me, in March, while being a stranger in a familiar land. Little by little, I was regaining all these emotions of wonder and happiness while being bounced back in the kiwi culture but without ever finding my own place again, my own bearings. It was like every time I returned to France. I was so happy to be back with my friends, my kiwi family, but I was unable to project myself into any project there.
And then, finally, with this tourist visa and the world situation, I just felt really insecure with the feeling of being a citizen from nowhere... Imagine if you were living abroad for several years, having to "return" urgently "home" and asking you the sincere question of "where is home for me"? It's been three years since I left France. And even though I am gradually becoming reconciled with my own country, it is still not for me the place on this planet where I feel best. So this health crisis was the beginning of a new identity crisis for me... One more you will tell me. Yes, except that this one approached deeper issues of this society like immigration and emigration... And again, I am very lucky to "flee" a country that is not at war, and to have chosen to leave... Where to go when the only place you are welcome is actually the last place you want to be and the rest of the world has closed its borders? ...That has been the feeling.
But it was this feeling of returning to live in my past that was destabilizing, especially in the context of a tourist visa. Indeed, this status is, in my opinion, very exclusive. If I often insist on the fact that I live abroad and that I don't travel there, it is exactly to make this difference between tourism and expatriation. Integration, however difficult it may be, is easier when you are an integral part of a country and culture, in other words, when you work there with the locals.
Work was the second problem with this visa. I didn't have the legal possibility to work and therefore the financial freedom to venture into projects of any kind. There was a bit of work in fruit picking, cash jobs of course, but frankly, at 29 y-o, I'm a bit fed up sometimes with not being able to do more interesting jobs. I did it once, I hated it. Besides, I don't know if you've ever seen your job as an opportunity, but I assure you that since this New Zealand episode, being able to work for me will never again be seen as a constraint but definitely as an act of freedom...
And then, finally, with this tourist visa and the world situation, I just felt really unsecure with the feeling of being a citizen from nowhere... Imagine if you were living abroad for several years, having to "return" urgently "home" and asking you the sincere question of "where is home for me"? It's been three years since I left France. And even though I am gradually becoming reconciled with my own country, it is still not for me the place on this planet where I feel best. So this health crisis was the beginning of a new identity crisis for me... One more you will tell me. Yes, except that this one approached deeper issues of this society like immigration and emigration... And again, I am very lucky to "flee" a country that is not at war, and to have chosen to leave... Where to go when the only place you are welcome is actually the last place you want to be and the rest of the world has closed its borders? ...That has been the feeling.
Finally, if I take the metaphor of the love story to the end, coming back to New Zealand was like going back to live with your ex (yes, I know I did both, but that's another story): you have a past together, you separated, you find each other again, you know each other by heart, but you both changed, so it's often difficult to rebuild new bearings.
At Terri's, for example, and with all my kiwi family, I really struggled to find my place in the community. I was very afraid that I would no longer be accepted for who I am today, because the person they said goodbye to a year and a half ago no longer exists. All the experiences since then have changed me deeply and while I am often convinced that it is for the best, when I face situations or persons from my past, doubts come back straight to me. And this is what we call lack of self-confidence... It doesn't happen to me as often as it used to, but it's very common for me to lose all of my self-confidence when it comes to my love relationships, whatever they may be...
I LOVE YOU... NEITHER DO I.
So, I've tried a few times to list some reasons why I sometimes hated New Zealand. I have long hated this country for being so beautiful but so far from France... for the fact that it has such an engaging and generous population... for stealing my travel plans from me by simply making me want to stay there forever... for not giving more simplified access to work visas to stay... for not helping a bit more the people like me "stuck" during the pandemic, I hated it for not having this culture of French sociability and not having this love for the time spent at the table. I sometimes hated the culture of alcohol and drugs. And then I hated it for not giving me the same kind of friendship that I had with my French friends.
But as you see, I compared it too often, I loved it, I hated it, but in the end, like a spoiled child, I hated this country simply because I loved it too much and I had the almost natural desire to make it look perfect to me... Was I just looking for excuses ? maybe.
But today, after this third chapter, I think I got it. I simply really love this country. And to come back to it, one last time, was to accept it. With its faults but above all its qualities. Whether it is the diversity of its landscapes; its size which allows you to go, sometimes in less than 3 hours, from the mountains to the sea; its small population which prevents me from panic attacks in the crowd; this kiwi lifestyle, very cool and relaxed which makes me the least stressed and happiest Coralie I have ever known; this wind of freedom that blows around every corner and gives me wings, nobody judges you for anything, you do what you want with your body, your money, your time; its simplicity of life, one phone call is enough for any paperwork and you'd always be served with patience and sympathy; and last but not least, its people, who are for me, the most generous people and with the bigger heart that I have ever met.
No wonder then that three months later, I was boarding again for New Zealand. Yes, but I didn't say much about it at the time because my father's death turned the whole thing upside down, but this second kiwi experience was like the first mix of love and disenchantment. Was it the "return" effect that also applied this time to NZ or was it the circumstances of my return, as a tourist, that prevented me from finding my foot? I don't know why I suddenly had no excuses for all the little things that annoyed me. Worse, that's all I could see... to, but it's very common for me to lose all of my self-confidence when it comes to my love relationships, whatever they may be...
And to be honest, my love story with NZ won't end there... without those three adventures in NZ, I would never have reached the level of confidence that led me to get naked on this blog or in front of the lens... My kiwi life brought me freedom. And I would never be the person I am today without all of this... So yes, it is with a heavy heart that I had to say goodbye to this country again, but something tells me, inside of me, that this trip won't be my last... Because, in my heart, New Zealand will always feel like home...
Thank you New Zealand. Thank you Kiwi fam & kiwi friends. I Love you...
Amour. Co.
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