Some of you saw it coming before I did. Some of you tried to warn me. Some of you pushed me forward, helping me see the impossible, the unthinkable… I never thought this day would come. I never thought I would call France my home again. But here I am, here I come…
Isn’t that the magic of life and growth after all ? One day we truly believe in something, and the next, everything has changed.
Of all the moves I’ve made, this one might have been the most unexpected. Yet, for me, it’s been a long time coming. When your heart gets pulled back to where it all started, you can only follow...
WHERE IS HOME ?
If you followed my journey, you know that "home" has been one of my favorite subjects to explore. What is home, where is home, how do we feel at home?
I chose to leave home at 16. I always felt unrooted in my own life. Before I had even left France, I already felt like an expatriate in my own house. I never felt at ease with myself. I thought people would never really see, understand, or accept me.
“You’re too sensitive. You think too much. You make everything so complicated. Chill out. Why do you have to question everything?! ”
How could I not? How could I stop my brain from thinking so much? How could I stop myself from feeling so deeply? Why was it all so wrong? Why did people want me to change so much?
Resisting was more tiring than fitting in. So I dimmed my lights, followed the breadcrumbs, and fit in because that’s what everyone wanted. I knew how to do it, after all.
Until I hit 25. Suddenly, all of my existential questions came back louder. My life felt so off. I couldn’t help but ask myself: Did I choose to be here? Is this the life I want? Is this really me? Who am I truly? Things were moving fast. I was on the perfect path to a great job, a house, a partner, and kids. IT FREAKED ME OUT.
After the 2015 attacks in Paris, it hit me even harder. I could have died that night. None of my life made sense anymore. I needed to get out, just for a year or two, to make sure I was on the right path. I needed to take some layers off to see what was left. I needed to make sure I had chosen all of this.
I started planning my escape, and in 2017 I set off for a week of solo traveling in Barcelona, which turned into seven years of living abroad.
LOOKING FOR WHAT?
If today, I can make sense of it, I didn’t know what I was looking for all those years abroad. I knew I had to keep going, following some kind of feeling. I needed to explore, try things, and understand myself on a deeper level. But I had no idea what I needed to find to stop running.
I thought I was looking for an escape, a purpose, a partner, a home, or just some distance from a dysfunctional family. I found answers, pieces of myself, love in someone else, a sense of home, and a feeling of belonging. Yet, I kept running, unconsciously sabotaging myself every time I had a chance to settle because I didn’t believe I deserved it.
I have always been good at building relationships with very different people from different cultures and countries. Yet, I had never tried to build one with myself. Until the beginning of last year.
In January 2023, after one more painful heartbreak, I decided that if I was failing at relationships and unhappy in my friendships & family relationships, I’d do it all alone. If I had to end this life alone, at least, I’d do it living a life I loved.
It changed EVERYTHING.
I lost friends, spent a lot of time alone, cried a lot, and learned how to love myself no matter what. I accepted and welcomed myself for all that I am. I started seeing that some people around me had been loving me for years. Accepting me all along. I had resisted their love and friendship because I didn’t know that love could feel like this.
As I slowly grew into these new definitions of love and friendships, I finally understood: leaving home was never really about finding myself. I knew who I was all along. Deep down, we all do. In fact, I truly believe we all know who we were before the world told us who to be. I was indeed looking for love and acceptance, but no new friend, country, or culture could bring it to me. I had to find it within. And I finally did.
That’s when it felt like I had come full circle abroad. I felt the need to take these learnings back to where it all started, to end this chapter, this book and finally start a new one.
I changed my flights on a whim after a night of insomnia. Because it felt like it was time. Time to go home.
BACK TO WHERE IT ALL STARTED
My first few days back, I was extremely triggered by a past I had run away from. I got stuck in old patterns—family and cultural patterns—that overwhelmed me. Though I knew this would happen, I felt the need to escape one more time. But there is no running away this time.
Coming home after so many years abroad is hard because you feel pushed back into your past. It’s easy to feel like your old self in a space where unhealthy habits ruled your world for over 20 years. And it’s hard to love an old version of yourself, especially one you used to hate so much.
My past here is full of fears, protection, frustration, and anger. But I’ve changed. People have changed too. I’m not that past version of myself anymore. They aren’t either. If I’m ready to give myself a chance, I need to give them a chance too. I can’t choose how I feel, but I can choose how I act. Being back is not about transforming the past, it’s about writing a better present. Because here is the catch:
We won’t ever be able to change our past. We can ignore it, resist it or run away from it for years. Or we can accept it, grieve it, and write new chapters from there.
Being back won’t be easy. But that’s the whole point. Will I find a way to embrace those demons with as much compassion as I found for myself in the last year? Will I find a way to accept and love the past versions of myself I had left behind?
I give myself a year. A year to re-adapt. A year to forgive. A year to love. A year to write something new here.
And deep down, if I can love myself as much here as I managed to love myself in Canada for the last year and a half, then I’ll know. I’ll know that what I was looking for was right here all along. I’ll finally be able to say “I’m home.” Because I’ll finally have come home. To myself.
Love
Co.
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