There are moments in my life when I swing between thousands of desires and my daily life that doesn't leave me much room to realize them. This has been the case over the last few months... I know that some of you have asked me where I was, what I was doing, if I was doing well, as my last article was dated April 9th. I left you on a rather positive note, explaining a little about the emotional fog I was going through and the small changes that were finally starting to take shape. This had given me a lot of hope for the continuation of this adventure despite Covid. And then, at the beginning of April, we finally had such a great weather. A good opportunity to start planning camping trips, a bit more walking and hiking, and to rediscover the region from the perspective of beaches, kayaking, camping and barbecues.
The problem is that since I landed in Canada, in my head, it's a big mess. This fourth expatriation has triggered a familiar storm in me, much the same as the one I had before escaping to New Zealand. Turning thirty in February also brought back a lot of questions, especially those I had started to have with my 25th birthday crisis. Add to this the fact that finding myself back in a full-time position, 40-hour per week kept giving me the constant feeling that my Canadian experience (and my life) was going to escape me... The fact that my life at the apartment was filled with a sudden loneliness as my roommate had almost deserted the place to go live with her boyfriend a couple of months ago. And the fact that I have discovered at 30 years old that I am an hypersensitive person - aka HSP - (which I will come back to in another article)... All in one just brought intense waves of complexity in my friendships, love relationship and professional relationships... So it's not really surprising this brought back some pretty familiar anxiety and plunged me into a silence on this blog that was more than necessary...
If usually, you know me, I am full of strategies and solutions to bounce back and get out of situations that don't suit me, this time things were a bit more complex. Despite my will to change things, nothing was in my power to do so. Seeing myself slowly sinking into waves of negativity and anxiety, I decided to go back to therapy, and since then, well, I'm alive again.
So don't get me wrong, it's not Canada that doesn't suit me, or my life in Nelson, it's quite the opposite. What was bothering me 5 years ago is still bothering me today. Decisions about my life, about my choices. This desire to give meaning to my daily life. The desire to do well, and to do too much, all the time. This quest for a vocation. The constant incomprehension of these patterns that I reproduce again and again in my friendships, family, professional and romantic relationships. The impression of being affected more than normal by the ecological disasters that surround me and the disgust at the indifference of others for it. The desire to fight every day for a fairer world. Questions about who I am. Bitterness in the face of a world totally disconnected from its true nature. My apprehensions about a world where everything seems incoherent. And so on.
I sometimes wish I had the brain of a normal person, to be able to not feel things so intensely, to not be concerned so much, and to be able to simply ignore all these questions that have once crossed my mind. But that's not who I am. Sometimes, like during my year in New Zealand, I find a way to draw energy from it and other times I drown in it.
So for the last 3 months, despite my silence, I've been moving around a lot. I went camping, mountain biking, kayaking and hiking. I've barbecued, travelled and enjoyed the beach. I started a small vegetable garden, took time to read and cook. I immersed myself in nature and started practicing yoga again.
I took time for myself and I gave myself a break. I have hundreds of photos to share with you and I am committed to doing so. It will just take me a little while but I promise to keep you on this journey!
Sometimes, it's important to know how to say stop, to slow down and to take the time to simply live...
In the meantime, take care of yourself, and I'll be back soon with pictures of this beautiful planet!
Love,
Co.
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