(continuation of the first article entitled "Why is it so difficult to choose" published a few days ago)
Choosing... I have just spent 6 stressful months wondering which program I would use to apply for permanent residency in Canada. 6 months of hesitation, of listening to the advice of others, of sometimes not sleeping at night and of constant anxiety... 6 months that I explore on all sides, whereas since the beginning, I am well aware that there is only one program that really suits me and that will not prevent me from being happy during the long wait. And then last week, on a whim, I decided: this weekend would be the deadline... and in one day, I had sent my file...
But then, was it the time constraint or the gut decision that helped me to finally choose? Are there tools to help us make a choice? Are there contexts that are conducive to making a decision? Can we learn to choose? That's the question I'm tackling today, let's go!
CAN WE LEARN HOW TO CHOOSE ?
As a reminder, highly sensitivity is characterized by more active connections in the brain. This means that the brain not only processes more information, but also processes it in a more complex way. This explains why decision making, especially when you are HSP, can quickly turn into a headache. Sometimes I find myself so overwhelmed and lost in this fog of information and emotions that I am unable to approach a problem with clarity. And this can go on for days, even weeks...
Although it may seem impossible to make a decision, there are many factors that we can influence. And this is one of the most accessible secrets of choice. It is by observing, interacting and modifying our environment that we create and appropriate the most precious tools to make a choice. It is therefore possible to learn to choose. But then, what are the tools?
9 TOOLS TO LEARN HOW TO CHOOSE.
1. THE RIGHT CONTEXT:
The environment in which we evolve has its importance in decision making. Since the brain and senses are (over)stimulated by what surrounds us, noise or disorder can make our brains unavailable, too busy analyzing or integrating the surrounding hubbub. I've noticed that our minds often reflect the space we're in. If I'm in the middle of a crowded room, my mind is a mess! If, on the contrary, I am in a minimalist space, I feel calm and rested. So I know, for example, that I should avoid making a decision in a cluttered or noisy space at all costs. (when possible obviously)
2. THE RIGHT MINDSET:
The worst decisions I have ever made are the ones I have made in moments of stress or fatigue. It is at these times that we are most unable to make a meaningful choice. It's as if all the information entered my brain at the same level and I became unable to sort it out. The more I panic, the more I stress, the more I block myself, the less I think rationally. Fatigue or stress can paralyze us from making choices. The solution for me? Distract myself for a few minutes or a few hours, the time of a walk in the forest or a movie. This has the effect of a "reset" button and often prevents me from making a completely meaningless choice.
3. BYE BYE PERFECTIONISM :
Being a perfectionist can have its qualities, but clearly, when it comes to choices, it is far from being an asset. I can't count the number of times I've found myself paralyzed when faced with a choice, for fear of making the wrong one. However, making the wrong choice does not mean that you are a bad person. By accepting that perfection is not always attainable, or better yet, by accepting that in order to move forward, we have to make mistakes, we give back to the choice a little lightness and even a little excitement. To help me, I use mantras that help me put things into perspective. For example? "Sometimes the wrong choices bring us to the right places" or "I can make mistakes and learn from them" or "If it doesn't challenge you, it won't change you". And for me, it works!
4. KNOW HOW TO TAKE A STEP BACK & REASSESS THE SITUATION :
Some decisions need to be thought through, others not so much! Sometimes my HSP brain gets stuck on issues that don't really matter... And when this happens to me, I am often unable to get out of this cycle. Asking myself what impact this decision will have on the people around me; asking myself what I will think about this choice in 10 weeks, 10 months or 10 years; and listing the different steps that lead me to this choice and defining the next one I can act on in the short term are three ways that allow me to step back, re-evaluate the situation, and decrease the stress and anxiety while instantly reconnecting to the present. Because in reality, finally choosing what I'm going to eat for lunch isn't going to change my life 10 years from now (even though I'm sure it's the end of the world if I'm wrong at the time) and if I'm wrong, well, too bad.
5. PRO AND CON LISTS :
Although not always a sure thing, I have long made lists of pros and cons to help me approach a situation with more clarity. This has often allowed me to focus on an issue and estimate which part of it might be more important. The only "catch" is that as a good empath, I often integrate the consequences it may have on others rather than the consequences it has on me. And this can make the choices even more painful... A tool therefore, but to be used sparingly and in a way to refocus on oneself and oneself only!
6. ROUTINE CAN BE YOUR FRIEND :
As you have probably read in my previous writings, I HATE routine. I hate it because it bores me and makes me feel completely turned off. However, sometimes routine can be our friend. Especially when it comes to everyday decisions. For example? I can't count the number of times I've found myself angry and frustrated at not knowing what to choose for dinner... It's silly, but it's an easy situation to avoid. By planning your weekly meals or scheduling, you can eliminate some of the minor decisions and avoid facing this inner conflict that in itself, doesn't matter that much. Once again, what I choose to eat for dinner tonight will have very little impact on my life 10 days or 10 years from now... Even if I choose a dish that, in the end, will have disappointed my taste buds!
7. THE CONSTRAINTS :
In design, constraint is often used as a creative process. It is actually through constraints that we can create. When faced with a choice, it is possible to do the same thing. Constraining ourselves in time by defining a deadline by which we must have made our choice can ultimately allow us to limit stress and help us to accept our decisions and the consequences they entail with more lightness.
8. LIST THE CONSEQUENCES OF YOUR INDECISION :
Have you ever realized how much easier it is to list the possible consequences of one choice or another than to think about the consequences of our indecision? Because not choosing also leads to a lot of results, which can sometimes be worse than the ones we would have obtained if we had chosen... This is one of the tools I discovered only a few weeks ago and yet it is in my opinion the most effective of all and it is by far my favorite! By focusing my mind on the consequences of my indecision, I often realize how much I am hurting myself unnecessarily and find an answer to my questions much faster! It's a return ticket straight to the present moment and that is priceless...
9. LAST BUT NOT LEAST : RELY ON THE UNIVERSE
When I really can't choose, when nothing works, when the stress remains too intense and the anxiety rises, then sometimes I simply rely on the forces or signs of the universe. This may sound silly, especially since I don't believe that there are any real signs sent by any force. But in the end, for me, believing in these signs is a way to let my "deepest self" speak, without letting my ego and especially my brain take over. I stop (over)thinking a situation by repeating to myself that anyway, what has to happen will happen and that whatever I decide, it is written somewhere and there is no wrong choice.
In fact, this has saved me many times from my repeated anxieties, giving me faith in projects or decisions that seemed impossible to me. And I must also admit that by putting everything on the back of "the universe", the consequences of my choices seem to me much less difficult to accept. Because in the end "everything happens for a reason, even when we don't know it yet".
And you, what are your tools to face your indecision?
Love,
Co.
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