When I woke up, 5 years ago, on the morning of my 25th birthday :
I panicked.
I was wondering if everything I had done in my life so far was by choice or if I had ended up in this Parisian life because the society wanted me to be here. I would buy new clothes every two weeks. I would wear make up every single day. I would go to art museums, line up in front of new concept stores and try hard to go to fancy events all around the city. I would buy a lot of stupid things that I would pack up in my microscopic apartment. I would eat tomatoes in winter and put plastic wrapped meat in my meals every single day.
At this time, I had never properly hiked up a summit. Never climbed a wall. Never went downhill with a mountain bike. Never camped in the mountains. I was afraid of speaking English. I had never traveled alone. I didn’t know how to connect with nature or how to connect with myself. I had no idea who I was and I thought my world was just the same as everyone else’s world.
But when I woke up that day, I decided I would leave and I would try something else. I would travel and experience new countries. Just to see if I was right or wrong. I quickly understood that being far from what I used to be, was giving me every single time a new opportunity to become who I truly am. And here we are. Celebrating my 30th birthday in the middle of a pandemic, with an extreme and unusual cold wave covering most of the planet and far from my home friends and family.
“30. It is just a number. A new decade but just a number”, I keep on repeating myself. I could already hear what the society is going to tell me. “What are you going to do with your life ? Did you think of finding a husband, getting married, having babies before it’s too late ? What about a house ? And do you even have a retirement plan?”
I panicked. Again.
But then I looked back over the last 5 years and realized how much I’ve achieved. I’ve seen different places, experienced different culture, met different people. My curiosity drove me to many new homes. My courage helped me face grief and my true heart made me fall in love many times.
When I left Paris, I was feeling numb by the world.
Today, I feel sparkled by it.
In many ways.
This journey through pain, joy, love, food, adventures, grief, spirituality, tears, travel, self-exploration, friendship, communication, self-love, and languages has fulfilled me the last 5 years with more than I expected.
So then I breathed. Again.
So no, I don’t have answers to those questions. I have no idea where I’ll be in 2, 5 or 10 years. But when the 25-yo-me woke up that morning, she had no idea what she was about to start. That fire she started : it is what it takes to be alive. Sometimes she had to face pain and walk barefoot on hot ashes. Sometimes she has to learn how to stop and just observe all the sparkles floating like fireflies all around her head. She found in it the warmth to comfort her heart and sometimes, it turned out that it burned her out.
But if I had the choice today, I would not put the fire out. Because the way it burned around the old me, made me become the woman I am today. And even if the questions I had on the morning of my 30th birthday were and are bothering me, I woke up, I stepped outside and I told myself " what a chance I have to really feel alive."
Love Co.
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