Four months in the land of the Vikings and this time, an article more focused on this inner journey I have been going through for several weeks than on my physical travel in Norway. I took this opportunity to give you a feedback on my job in tourism, on my quest for personal and professional meaning, on the learning that this northern life offers me day after day, on the activities that help me to progress and on the three small challenges I have set for myself to get better. No worries, you will also discover many pretty pictures of the fjords where we went back paddling, of the sea and the stunning norwegian islands, of our climbing trips, cycling adventures and nature immersions.
If that sounds cool for you, let's go ! I'll tell you on the way ;)
1. LOOKING FOR A JOB THAT MAKES SENSE
I have always wanted to try a job in tourism, given my appetite for travel and outdoor activities. After 4 months of diverse and varied missions by the lake, I can already confirm that there is something about meeting people and sharing experiences that seem to correspond professionally to me. However, my lack of total motivation in the morning alerted me to the fact that this job, as it stands, is really not for me.
You will tell me:
"but why? It looks ideal like that. You work outside, in the tent, all summer long. You meet new people all the time, you do crazy activities, you're in the middle of a heckling landscape."
Yes, yes, I know. On the paper, it sounds pretty like a dream. In reality it's a little different.
My role in the company My role as "receptionist, graphic designer and content creator" has changed slightly since I have become over time, in a way, my boss' assistant, a team manager and a mediator in case of conflict. That's the trap, when you're multi-tasks like me, the potential is far too interesting not to try to grab a little more than expected. Sometimes I have to admit, it suits me. It opens me up to other missions, it teaches me new tasks... The problem is that this role of personal and administrative assistant, although I am in total capacity to do so, I hate it. The one of manager, I can appreciate it, if I am recognized as such from the beginning with the team, on paper and with the appropriate financial compensation.... Concerning the mediator part, my empathy can be an advantage for others, but is often an emotional disadvantage for myself. After a month of hard work, I believe that my kindness and professional generosity have finally found their limits. And despite the moral exhaustion, I am calmly beginning to identify the missions that I appreciate and especially those that I no longer want to carry out.
The rhythm Most Norwegians are based on the same system as New Zealand. They start early in the morning and end their day in the middle of the afternoon. Great but... in tourism, of course, it's different. In "kiwiland", when I worked in the café, I had a bit of that rhythm and if I was in the food truck, generally I had my day off and I was working in the evening. I loved going back home after work and say "what if I was going for a climb", "what if we were going swimming", "what if we were going for a dive"... Looking back, working in an office or behind that counter has the same effect on me. Despite the direct contact with tourists, I gradually feel like I'm in the same daily life as in Paris, stuck behind my screen, working long days. And that doesn't make me happy. Once my day is over, my day is really over. In the morning, I get up 2 hours before I wake up to take the time to do some activities for myself, but obviously that's not enough. And in the evening, I come home so exhausted, I have no motivation at all. I am someone who can work many hours without respite, provided I have chosen it..... Here, I endure my days instead of fully enjoying them....
The type of tourism At the beginning, last March, I had seen many job offers to be a guide on the fjords or on the sea, during boat tours or cruises. Although this attracted me strongly for the experience itself, I had decided to apply to Outdoor Norway for all the challenges of "environmentally friendly" activities, or at least activities that minimize the impact of tourism on the environment. Cycling, kayaking, Standup Paddle Board, rafting... all require one engine : you. The overall impact on the environment is therefore a little less than taking the boat 15 times a day for tourists fighting for the best pictures. That is true, but in essence, it remains a very "mass tourism" oriented way of approaching the subject. Because what counts for the company in the end : it's about making numbers... and to make numbers, we have to welcome people. So even if I sometimes have fun in this interaction with tourists, in the end, this meeting is far too short and meaningless to make me completely happy. I'm here to sell them products. Make them consume, and if I listen to my boss, the more I sell, the better, of course. And, although I'm not too bad at that role, I'm not at all comfortable with the idea of making tourism activities consume as if they were buying a product from the supermarket. They only share a few hours of experience with us, before resuming their journey and leaving completely unchanged... They don't even have time to realize that by choosing kayaking instead of crossing the fjord by boat, they were contributing to something better for the planet, for example. Worse, they will probably also buy tickets to consume two or three boat safaris on the sea during their short days of travel...
2. BUT THEN, WHAT THE HELL AM I GONNA DO WITH MY LIFE?
The advantage of travelling is that by changing countries, cultures and jobs, I try new lives and slowly learn to understand what makes me, Coralie, happy. For two years now, I have been trying out different types of jobs in different countries and trying to identify the "criteria" of a job that would make me happy on a daily basis. And I'm moving slowly, I guess.
For example, this month, I had to improvise as a kayak guide with Ben on the fjord, for two of our clients who had booked online without knowing that we were short of staff. Beyond the weather which was perfect, I enjoyed being able to share a moment, a little bit of what I like about traveling, with these "strangers".
I took a lot of distance after this short experience and realized how much I would like to be able to share in real life, everything I write to you on this blog and all the things that travel has brought me so far. I really enjoyed playing the guides for a few hours, but once again, it was so short... I would have liked to take them with me on an expedition to the area for a few days, to try different activities, to take them camping in the middle of nowhere... Make them question everything and anything about their lives, and say goodbye, hoping to have inspired them, made them discover new things, brought them experiences that might have changed them completely.
Put it that way, it may sounds very pretentious. But deep down, it is not. In the end, I just had in mind the memory of my summer camps from when I was a child. With the idea that an immersion in nature with strangers has always offered me a new perspective on the world.
3. A SUMMER CAMP FOR MYSELF
I remember leaving my parents completely distraught, excited, stressed. I went to the unknown, alone or with my lifelong sidekick, my "twin cousin" as we called each other. And I remember when we came back from our stay, we were always going through a depressing stage of "back to reality". We lived in immersion in nature for 1, 2 or 3 weeks. A minimalist life, a camp, no electricity, no TV, no telephone, no toilets in the middle of a field, a shower every three days, a body wash in the basin, camp fires every night, songs, games, wooden construction workshops, sharing workshops, rustic cuisine... And we were hating it so much sometimes, this overly simple approach of life... I even admit that as a camp counsellor a few years later, I remember rushing in the evening to the only electrical outlet in the camp to be able to recharge my phone and "reconnect" to my world.... And yet.... My world was just there, in front of me. I was right in the middle of it. This minimalism, this sharing of experience, of daily life with strangers, it was powerful. I came back a little more changed each time. Stronger, more creative, more inspired.
And then life catches up with us. We go back to our homes, our comforts, in these society boxes. We all forget about what this experience had brought us. I was 7 years old, 12 years old, 15 years old. I had in front of me and in my hands what I loved most : living in total connection with nature. With myself.
The day we started this rudimentary life in the van in New Zealand with Cachou, it was the day I took over my own summer camp. I have started again to create with my own hands, to live from almost nothing, to observe the nature around me, to be one with it. Without electricity, without hot water, with a shower every two, three or four days. And in fact, that's where I rediscovered my own real life.
4. MY REAL LIFE
Well, I'm not saying I'd live all year round in a cabin in the woods, without electricity and without technology. (I can already hear my mum telling me: "But where has gone my little Parisian, fan of city life, art, culture and museums...) But, in any case, a life closer to my values, in symbiosis with nature and a return to simple things.
The wonderful thing about travel is that, even if it is sometimes very difficult to live, like this immersion in the Vikings land has been, each expatriation is an opportunity to try a new type of life. And, over time, I simply learn to recognize the things that I love, the things that correspond to me, and also, all the things I hate or that don't make me happy at all.
This month, I feel like I've gone back to school, but this time, I feel like I've gone back to the school of life. The real one. The one where I try and learn from my mistakes. The one where I discover for myself. The one in which I have no other teacher than the people of the world themselves. No homework to do, no chasing the best grade, no way to be first in class (yes, I know, for those who have known me since early childhood, it's surprising, but it's not as complicated for me anymore haha).
5. MY OWN SCHOOL
I have certainly gone through months completely blind, without succeeding in getting my head out of the water, completely lost, without having the necessary distance from any of the situations that have fallen on me. But this month, I kicked myself again with a few kicks that I needed to move forward. It started with simple things like taking up activities for myself.
You have certainly all experienced one day, the tasting of a dish that you thought you hated since you were a child, when in fact, a few years later, you try again and discover that your tastes have changed... Imagine all those wasted years not eating melon - (thought for you daddy up there)- when in fact, today, you'd be taking some more melon three times in a raw ?! Well, mountain biking for me is the same... I said no to Ben for several months when in fact I should have tried before judging. Because in the end, I definitely discovered a new passion, however surprising it may be. For a long time I had the image of a difficult sport, masculine, very technical and not fun at all. A slow version of motocross in a way. When in fact, the idea I had of it is totally the opposite of the sensations it causes. Mountain biking is like skiing in the middle of summer.
This is the perfect example of what I learn in my school of life : people change, so do their tastes. What was fine with me 5 years ago would no longer be fine with me today. What I have learned over the years from my experience in society may not be entirely true.
I have learned to question all my "fixed" ideas about things or people. In my personal life, I learned to say yes again before I said no =)
So, this month, I took part in a special "girls only mountain bike class", a road trip to the sea, several climbing sessions, a jacuzzi session with a view of the mountains and hikes in the middle of nature... Despite the fatigue of the endless hours at work, I tried to let go and finally allowed myself to do things on my free time to feel better.
It's silly you may say, because I've always been looking for activities for my well-being. But when you go through a difficult period for several months, it's hard to allow yourself to get better. It's hard to fully feel the joy, the real one this time. It is difficult to put words into words and only those who have been there will fully understand what I am talking about...
To cross a mourning (or a depression for that matter) is to cross a landscape that alternates between a desert of emotions, (that moment when you feel absolutely nothing, no joy, no pain, no enthusiasm, no nothing) and a bottomless ocean, filled with waves of emotions (that moment when you struggle invaded by 40 emotions at a time, without succeeding in breathing in the middle of all that)...
So when you finally breathe and see yourself feel better slowly, it's also hard sometimes to say to yourself, "Shit, it's over. I'm going to get better now..." Because, I don't want to lose him a second time, my dad. Because this pain in me, this uneasiness, is my last link with him on a daily basis. It's my way of feeling connected to him for a little longer. Because if I'm in pain every day, I remember he's gone. And somehow, he stays with me...
Yes, that's really how we feel about it, I think. The absence. The lack. Except that all of this, when your head is stuck in the water, you don't see it, you just suffer it.
If I can write you today without a filter and with a lot of hindsight about my situation, it is also because by writing to you every month, I force myself to take the time to look back, to analyse my actions, my emotions in order to better understand them and try to move forward. This trip to Viking land is my inner struggle to get better. And this time, I fully accepted I think, that once I get on the plane to Canada, I will be better.
6. AGREE TO GET BETTER
I will end this article by giving you 3 examples of totally different things that I "forced" myself to do in July to help me feel better, to regain confidence in myself and in life. Surprising as they are, I deliver them to you here, because among you, there may be some who are crossing or will cross what I am in at the moment. This whirlwind of positive and negative waves. And who are looking for ways to get out of it sometimes.
The first is that I forced myself to say no' to work when I feel that it is not part of the tasks included in my contract. It may sound stupid, but professionally speaking, I am someone who hates confrontation and conflict. So saying "no" scares me because it often leads to an altercation. I always try to make people around me happy, before focusing on my own happiness. By saying no, I change the needle on the counter. And I discovered that I could survive that.
Secondly, inspired by those who do "dry july", I, in the middle of summer, decided to do a month without waxing. First of all, for comfort, I was fed up with the irritations under my arms, but also and above all, to challenge myself. To face the look from the others and try to rebuild this inner strength that will allow me to fully assume myself as I am. Well, I ended up automatically in the "feminist" or "hairy girls" box, but it's a pretty incredible experience. I must admit, it's hard sometimes. And imagining your reactions while you're reading this paragraph makes me want to smile and hide under the duvet at the same time. I must confess that if I were in France right now, I probably wouldn't survive it. Because like me, you were probably raised with the idea that in this society, a girl with hair is ugly, it's "dirty" and far from being sexy... And we know, oh how important it is for us French, to be clean on us, well dressed and not to "spoil" the sight of the others with something labelled "disgusting". So... to fight against what has been put in my head and to form my own opinion of the subject, I subscribed to all the instagram feeds of these chicks who assume themselves completely and who are of an incredible "sexy" power. (Okay, well, for my part, it's not totally won yet, but #girlpower, I believe in it. And then at a rate of one or two sessions per week less, it saved me more than 4 hours of free time in a month. And that's not insignificant ! ).
Third, I finally accepted to ask for help. Thank God, things are changing, people are changing and with the "personal development" revolution, seeing a life coach or consulting a therapist have become a little less taboo than when we were labeling people of "crazy". So I thought I'd try it too. To empty my bag, find outside support, relearn to have the necessary perspective on situations to move forward, and simply to get better. I had been sold the benefits of this kind of therapy for a long time and well, I can confirm that everyone, I mean EVERYONE, should have a therapist at some point in their life. Whether you feel good or not. It is the true school of life. In you. All the power to move forward is hidden there. And bringing someone from outside to all this, who will get to know you at the same time as you finally get to know yourself, is magic.
In summary, July was a month dedicated to the sign of the self, therefore, and a month in which I would have tried to slowly regain control of my life. At work, I spend my time answering questions from people behind the counter who tell me: "Yeaaaaa it's so nice to live like you do. To travel, to work all over the world. You're so lucky."
Luck, in life change, does not really exist. And to prove it to you, let's take a look back at the context in which I was before my first trip. Some people thought : "She lost her job, her boyfriend left her, she no longer has an apartment, and at 26 she went living back to her parents house.... Poor thing, it must be so hard..."
and others thought :
"She no longer has a job to hold her, she no longer has a man to stop her from making her own plans, no rent to pay.... She is sooooo lucky, she is completely free to move forward and change everything."
You are the one who creates luck. This is the moment when you realize that in fact, there are always many perspectives on the same situation and that if you want to, you can switch your perspective to an other and turn everything into an opportunity. It takes a little courage, it's true, to give up everything, to make the first jump into the void, to leave, to change your life. It takes energy and money sometimes. But it's there, right in your hands. And it can be activated right now.
In the meantime, I can tell you that I look forward to October, to starting this trip to Norway once the job is done, and that I am more and more excited about the Canadian project every day ! August will also probably be a hard working month, but fortunately, it is soon the end and the beginning of new adventures...
Love.
Co.